A Gratitude Life

dead and not so much a gonner.

2009-11-02T23:43:00.001+08:00

I have left blogger!

http://mayacastelloz.tumblr.com/

Life

2009-09-22T11:36:00.000+08:00

Life is about joys, sadness, happiness and upheavals. It is about disappointing others, and most importantly, letting oneself down. It is about knowing how much you want something, and yet never getting it instantenously. and further down the road, after many days have passed, you still dont achieve it. Life is knowing that although nothing is impossible, the reality is, some things are just beyond our desire and within our reach. It is about breaking promises that you've made for yourself and others, but still refusing to believe it. and this is not because you want to do it, but because life itself is about having limited choices. Life is a sea of emotions, feelings like waves, crashing and and trying to overpower one's innocent mind. Life is, trying to breathe when your soul is plucked from the chambers of your iron body, disregarding the number of times you get knocked down. Ultimately life itself, is all about trying. In happiness, one tries hard to contain that moment. In sadness, one tries hard to pull through. Life is trying enough for everyone, because one knows, there is always a new oppportunity in life every single day, until the day, you lose life itself.

-copied from Farhana frm fb

youtube vids...

2009-08-31T00:21:00.005+08:00

1. my version of 'nk tgk pukimak?'

gosh! i want to pengsan now. not to say like my english very good la. but I am NOT representing sg in anything what... and she is representing sg in MISS WORLD 2009! aiyoh! sg version of a bimbo! lol!

2. super funny vid on philipino accent!

lol! too bad i cannot laugh out loud coz the parents sleeping!

enjoy the videos!

Please don't stop the rain...

2009-08-12T12:09:00.005+08:00

(F)©maya eloise ™I shall live my life in sanguinity says:
have u ever stand at the edge of a high building, and images flash across your mind on what is it like to jump
and you thought u were brave enuf to do it
but just as u take a step forward, u were overcome by fear
of death
how can anyone be afraid to die... so sad......

| | rose camilia rostaza | Fad said, "Ok anything aku press" LOL | says:
maya
wat r u talking abt?

i dont even know.

I think I am super depressed. I am worrying about alot of things. alot of problems and things that happened recently. But when it comes to work, my mind just goes blank. I think I might screw up my presentation this Friday. I wonder where my motivation go when I was doing my first presentation. I am wearing out.
I dont know why I am determined to be depressed. coz its like recently I have been miserable over every little things; my friend getting married, an old friend ROM-ed, friends graduated from UNI, my weight, my huge pores, my thinning hair, my blurry future, passing by huge houses at pasir panjang, having no money.... everything. I am listening to depressing songs on my iPod and watch depressing sad movies. I get very irritated with fast and hip songs and happy endings in movies.

I am tired of trying to hard, be a jack of all trades and a master of none.
I am tired,
underappreciated,
unloved,
ugly,
dying....

yipee.

to whomever it may concern

2009-07-15T10:02:00.003+08:00

the truth is out.

congratulation old friend for finally proving that what I've blogged previously is true. congrats on the new happy life you're having now in the expense of losing a few friends.

I rest my case.

random musings

2009-07-10T09:21:00.003+08:00

I suppose it is time for an update. a proper one at least. Nothing much happened this week. just a lot of lepak-ing bawa blok with packs of ciggies, a deck of cards and for a night we were 'Hooching in Amsterdam'. good times with great friends. been a while since i had one of those careless fun, without a care in the world. credits to Nabila, Amala, Huda, Aman, Taj, Tabby, Sheila, Ram, Sufi and to Rose, welcome to the club. LOL!

Anyway, daddy says NO to me working in Perth. He says that I can't even take care of myself here, how am i suppose to take care of myself in another continent. He says studying in Australia is different from working there. He says I can study there but not work there. I personally cannot see the difference. Its all excuses. He has problems of letting me go. He is afraid that I can be independent and I no longer need to depend on him anymore. He just cannot admit that he will be at loss without me around. If he tell me all this I might understand. I might listen. But he has his ego and I have mine. I still have not make a decision whether I will go or not if the opportunity comes by. Eric mentioned the chance to me but i still got till next year May before I officially graduate, so cant say much now. The most irritating thing is that he mention this to the grandparents and my other relatives. Thus an intervention last week. everyone has their say. cik mini, mom, along and mak ngah support me. dad and grandparents think otherwise. it was one hectic argument at the house of Haji Ismail last week. I pity my grandfather coz i can see he is quite stressed out by this. He was deep in his thought while looking at me with sadden eyes throughout the day. He called me to his room to tell me that if I go and come back he might not be here anymore. That almost brought tears to my eyes. but my ego refuse to let me cry in front of my relatives. so i just nod and gave me a sad smile, no promises. I think everyone is making a big deal out of this all too soon. I might not even get the job. so yea. But I really really wanna go.

its my life, so it should be MY CHOICE right?

Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone- Maya Angelou

am i not pretty enough

2009-07-08T09:30:00.003+08:00

sometimes I ask myself or to Whoever is listening...

when will it be my turn?

WingLish

2009-06-28T19:41:00.001+08:00

OMG! i laugh so hard. not at the angmo BOY. but at how bad Shan is at singlish to the point he looks like an idiot lorr... so blardy embarrassing! haha.

funny webcam-ing

2009-06-25T22:32:00.007+08:00

thank you afie for ditching ur project mates to spend the day with me. webcaming at starbucks jurong point! had our dose of caffeine and we become gila. thus the photos below! love u babe!

i wanna buy a new lap top with a good resolution webcam with all these funny applications!!!!!!!

Bring it on, Biatch!

2009-06-22T18:32:00.002+08:00

what the hell!
if you happen to relate personally to whatever i wrote in my blog (without me stating your name here), then... good for you. if you think the person i am bitching about is you, then hey!, maybe it is you. you think it is you coz you feel somewhat guilty that you may have done the horrible things that i said you did. anyway, seriously this is my blog. its my prerogative to write whatever i want here. if you're not happy with whatever i wrote here, then...

FUCK OFF.

Sunday Night Blues...

2009-06-14T23:21:00.002+08:00

someone ask me "eh why your blog post all very emo ah?"

hahaha. the reason is because... when i am down, depressed, emo-ed, miserable, i feel like letting my feelings out to someone. However sometimes when I pour my feelings out to a friend or whoever, the person's response to console me, does not make me feel any better or worst. so instead i rather just blog it out n feel beter after that.
and... when i am happy or just feeling positive, i rather focus that energy doing something that i like, for instance, singing, reading, watching tv or play game, instead of blogging. oh well...

anyway i am going to blog about random things that happen through the week. first of all, moi supervisor reviewed my first draft of my presentation slides. It was actually half done, but i got a few good comments and alot of improvements to do... my next draft i am suppose to show her tomorrow. good news: I have finish it all! including the slide designs and all. yea me! anyway speaking of dr cherine tan, she treat us (eric, wanrong, yitian, rose and myself) dinner at newton circus. we had so much to eat, till it was almost hard to walk to the mrt station. hah! the only downside was i only got one stick in the morning and no ciggies till after the dinner. oh btw eric says i dont look like a smoker! i ask him, "how do you differentiate a smoker and a non-smoker?". he say, "the smell lor!" hahaha which means i conceal my smoke smell quite well... which reminds me that i'm out of perfume. shit!

you know its sad to see a group of friends who were so close together, drift apart. its coz of all the bitching, flirting, backstabbing and boys. i got so caught up in the middle of this all just to protect the dignity and the feelings of one of us. rule of girlfriends, we do not back stab our girlfriend by being unusually close to the guy our girlfriend has a crush on. it does not matter if the guy likes or hates our girlfriend, we just do not hurt her feelings this way. yes we know you are extra friendly to the guys (that we happen to like), but you do not have to rub it to our faces. if u happen to like the guy too and decided to be more than friends with him, please be honest and tell it to us. yes it makes you a bitch, but lying about it, and going out with him behind her/our back makes you a two-faced backstabbing hypocritical bitch. we as friends are suppose to protect each others feelings rather that disregarding them for your own motives. damn, i feel like i'm back in secondary school. all this game is so juvenile. urgh!

only if.... nvm.

i miss fyp before the first three months end. i miss my dear friend amir. i miss times spent with my bestie before she reconcile with her bf. i miss my sister. i miss my home in bishan. i miss my room. i miss being in a basketball team. i miss the game, the practice and the teammates. i miss God...

now i am emo-ing again.
sorry.

The reason i cried in the MRT

2009-06-03T16:14:00.001+08:00

Is this the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you`ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change even if i tell you i won`t go away today
Will you think that you`re all alone
When no one`s there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head
I`m permanent

I know he`s living in hell every single day
And so i ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say it`s all touch and go i wish i could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you`re all alone when no one`s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head
I`m permanent
I`m permanent

Is the moment where i look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you`ll never see me cry

*you are permanent in my prayers, my dear sister.*

birthday happy!

2009-06-01T10:03:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMIR! DUA PULUH LA BRO! HAHAHA. NO MORE TEEN!
SEE I DEDICATE ONE WHOLE POST TO YA! HAHA. HAVE FUN IN NS!
FORGET ME NOT!

.wait.

2009-05-31T21:27:00.000+08:00

i keep on wishing and hoping for things to happen. but they never do.

i have so many words to say to you. i just can't seem to form my sentences.

down to my last stick...

2009-05-24T22:44:00.002+08:00

sunlight, spilling onto a half empty bed
waking me from my self-induced coma,
into a hot-light hangover morning
frumpled sheets, a misshaped pillow,
faint odors of perfume and musk
tell a torrid story of what vodka
won’t let me sanely remember
Lisa or Alice, one of these fit the blurried
past-life last night, not that it matters now—
rolling over, mother clock scolds me
in screaming LED: six or nine-thirty eight

groping half-blindly—
the cluttered bedside table, a crumple, a click:
with an exhale, another cigarette breakfast is served,
blowing life into another wasted day

I think a cigarette would best help
to describe how i feel,
I'd sit on my patio with my legs drawn
up under me, I'd lean against something
in the grey damp of november
and I'd smoke and let tears fall
as i watch the air
for invisible particles.
paricles of smoke, city grime and of me.
watch the sky for a bomb
smoke
draw and let the tears itch and dry
on my cheeks
that would be the end of detached me,
and I'd burn it and inhale,
how appropriate,
and the taste would stay with me,
my hands my hair, acrid.

*deviant*

fyp 09' ECP

2009-05-20T15:04:00.002+08:00

went to east coast park with the fyp mates. cycle. makan. cycle.
end of the day: fun but tired.
next day: my back, my thighs and my ass bone ache like siao!
conclusion: cycling again at pasir ris park on 30th may (dunno whether can make it or not coz mommy's bdae!)

pics all at fb n here r just two i stole frm amanda's blog.

Singapore Flyer.

2009-05-20T14:40:00.003+08:00

those were the photos taken on my first Singapore Flyer experience with Amir. I swear it was no planned. we plan to have dinner at popeyes, chill and gossip as usual. then we realised that the ride only cost us ten bucks per person coz we have student cards! awesomeness... hehe. thank you friend. it was overall good. it was at night, so nothing much to see. nonetheless the view was beautiful. the lights of singapore city. it was a exciting at first and then it became quiet and reflective. a quiet escape from the real world. ten bucks well spent. the most suckiest thing was that since it was not planned, i did not bring my 8.1mp digital camera. instead we had to do with our 2mp pathetic hp camera. thus the horrible quality of the above photos. i want to go again and next time i want to ride it during the day... anyone up for it? weekdays only please. haha.

feel death

2009-05-13T09:24:00.003+08:00

This is bad. I am having a horrible week. I realize that all these while, me not updating my blog, I am actually relatively happy. And only now, I want to blog coz I want to pour out nonsensical emotions that no one will understand.

anyway I bump into jeslyn (sports and wellness)while walking to school today. and for that 3 mins walk to school, we both reminisce our early poly years and the sheltered walkway which was once the legendary SMOKING ALLEY. Those were the days. My first year in school, I was filled with excitement and good energy which were very contagious to my other friends. I would walk along the corridor to morning lectures, tutorials or practicals, with my head held high, my eyes jumping from faces to faces, checking out hot boys and girls. I would pass familiar faces and give them a wide smile, a loud 'HI!' or some kind of signature handshakes. I was filled with zest.
Now, I walked through the corridor like a zombie. Unfocused faces pass by me unnoticed as I hurried to my FYP lab. If it's not gonna attract more attention, I would have worn a mask to school. I feel... old. The new batches of freshmen are barely 17 and I'm turning 22. damn. I feel ancient. Even if there is a hot guy who walked pass me, I would not even give him a second look. coz if i did, I feel like a pedophile.

Anyway, you know the feeling when you were looking at something or someone and your mind suddenly wonders to things or situation which are completely random and irrelevant to what you were initially thinking? well...
I was smoking at the bridge near block P today. A lot of students and staffs were walking to school. Among the crowd of people walking in, a face of a guy caught my eyes. He look, life-less. His face was white as ghost and his lips were unusually pale. At that moment, another familiar face came across my mind. He was a senior at my secondary school. A mix japanese-chinese guy who loves to play basketball. Back then I always wondered why he look so pale and yet still can play basketball as if he's not sick at all. I only knew of his real condition when I got the news that he passed away, 2 years ago, due to leukemia which he suffered since birth. And suddenly my mind start to imagine how I would feel if I would die today. I felt totally calm! surprising I am not afraid of death. the fact that I am not afraid of death scares me coz any normal twenty year olds would be afraid esp if there are a million and one things I have yet to do before I die. This calmness only lasted for five minutes before I was terrified by a dead cockroach at the side of the bridge. IMAGINE THAT! I have fear for a small DEAD cockroach and I am not afraid of death. hmmmm.... honestly I dunno what's the point of this whole thing. I need to tame my mind to think of only relevant useful stuffs.

right now at this very moment i would feel better if i have lots of cash, a holiday trip and a shopping spree.

pink is defo not my new blog!

2009-04-20T19:10:00.005+08:00

Its been so long since I post and entry. I actually wanted to change my blog address or change to another blog-engine entirely due to the previous post which contains "dear rudy, ..." oh well its actually such a bother to change blogs. and honestly, I have nothing to hide or run from. so read if you wanna read....

anyway, I have been sick since last week. well dad spread his virus to both ibu and me, thus the whole house smells of sick people and dettol disinfectant. I only manage to get myself to the clinic today coz I thought that popping panadols and drinking water was sufficient. Well guess not. my condition actually got worst. my body temperature escalated up and down from time to time. my throat got sore and swollen until swallowing food was a chore (which cause me to eat extremely slowly). my voice became sexily hoarse (not complaining). my nose never-endingly dripping with mucus. my chest hurts everytime I cough. everytime i cough, i would spit out bloody phlegm (major eew). my ear is blocked and it feels like i'm in a cave. i can hardly hear people's voice, but my own voice and footsteps echo in my head loudly. and it ache all over my body. so yea. went to the Family Point Clinic & Surgery at Taman Jurong. this weird-talking doctor diagnosed throat virus infection as the problem. I was prescribed the normal meds including antibiotics, and also got a pathetic one day mc. blah! i hate taking medications, but i need to get well to get back to school. yes, i do miss working in the lab. hahaha!

anyway, on the 5th of April, i sent a photo to this gossip blog, pink is the new blog, i frequently read. the owner of the blog usually post up readers' photo once in a while. so guess wat?!?!?! mine was posted up!!! check it out!

*click for a larger version
http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/2009/04/pitnb-readers-041809/#comments

well, i think its kinda cool. even though he spelled Singapore wrongly and I am not exactly lyla's bff, i think its one of the few exciting things that happened in my mundane life.

anyway school officially starts for non-fyp poly students! new batch of freshmen are in which makes me feel very elderly compare to them. blah! i so need to graduate soon! anyway my HBD classes starts tml. wish me luck and hope i dun fail it again for a third time. *crossed fingers*

*its rare that i got a day off from school. in the past, if i dont go to school, i usually will try to meet the sister. i actually thought of it this morning but then i realised the previous post which contains "dear rudy,..." i do not regret what i wrote/said, but i definitely miss my sister...

wonderwall

2009-04-12T22:33:00.001+08:00

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

confessions of a sister and an aunty.

2009-04-07T10:43:00.002+08:00

today i just got to know that my sister ex-boyfriend (or so i thought is EX) reads my blog. so the note below is specially for him:

"dear rudy,
hope you have fun reading my blog. hope you had fun meddling with my sister's facebook account and intruding her privacy. I know you're probably a nice guy. but being nice is not enough. honestly said, my sister deserve so much more than what you can offer. she is way over your league, so maybe that is why you're obsessive over her. well its not attractive in anyway. but of course my two-cents-worth of opinion does not matter to you. so stop reading my blog! anyway look at your life right now... its so messed up. you cant even keep up with your own kids. how can you take care of my sister and her kids plus my stepmother (fyi, she despise you), if you cannot even take care of yourself and your family? you dont even have a stable job and your own house. if you think i rather my sister to go back to her ex-husband, you're wrong. that is the last thing in my mind. it is just that she deserve someone who is better than the both of you. haiz... how can you let the kids sleep at 3am in the morning in the living room while you and sis lock yourselves up in the room doing God-knows-what, thinking that the kids is still naive. but they are not. they are not stupid. i dont know about your kids but definitely not my niece and nephew. their maturity is beyond their age. but of course its not only you i blame. coz it takes two hands to clap. watever. i just hope that if you're the chosen one, then please make her happy as much as you can. I am done. i cant tell her that but you can. tell her i am done with her nonsense. with her ego. tell her to forget it. she dont have to ever see our dad. no, MY DAD. i have failed as a sister. i cannot stop her from doing the wrong things and now its too late. there is nothing more i can do. coz i am tired of her secrets and her lame decisions. just remind her that she has two beautiful young children waiting for her to wake up from her lala land and become a good mother to them. you can even let her read this post. i cannot say all this to her face. so plz tell her them for me. this might break her heart, but mine has been broken the moment she starts to destroy her life. of course i might be wrong. she can maybe somehow find happiness from all this, from you. I will pray for her. "

i am going to miss her...

ROCK-ISM

2009-04-03T18:59:00.005+08:00

*click on the poster for larger version*

Nokia E63

2009-04-02T11:21:00.005+08:00

dear people,

i would like you to meet my new baby, nokia E63. i am so happy, no, estatic to receive this phone unexpectedly.

OK. hear up. I have to admit something. something very embarassing and degrading but oh well........ I AM CHEAP. GULLIBLE. VULNERABLE. watever.
i was still very pissed at my dad. when i reach home last night, my mood was very hostile towards him. VERY. i even refuse to answer his calls with the excuse that the hp was in my bag and i could not hear it ringing. they bought be dinner but i refuse to eat. i was kinda silent the whole time... anger raging in my chest, wishing that i was anywhere else besides here (home). all that abruptly change into a shy joyous smile when i dad gave me (well not literally gave, he kinda made me search for it beside the tv) the nokia E63 phone in a box. I swear I was expecting them to scream "apil's fool!!!" the moment i open the empty box. well turn out that the box wasnt empty and the phone was for me!!! i had like a burst of emotions. i was estatic that he bought the exact phone and colour i want, i was confused coz i was just very angry a few minutes before, i was angrier coz he manage to manipulate me, i feel really cheap coz i gave in the moment i saw the phone, i feel that my ego and pride was flushed down the drain the moment i smiled (i think my smile came out as crooked), i feel love, i feel thankful and then i felt numb. lol. haiz. where is ur pride siti normaya!!! oh well. i dun care. I deserve every cent he spent on this phone after all the physical and emotional hardship i went thru coz of him. blah!!!
well now the problem is i find the function kinda confusing. so many functions but dunno what they are for. lol. i totally did not read any info on the phone before i decided i want it, most of my hp were bought upon love at FIRST sight. and then for some i regretted due to the non-user friendly functions. however i will try my best to figure this one out. coz u see i am not the kinda user who will read the manual first... lol. stubborn like hell. hehehe. ok ciao.

pms=mood swings

2009-04-01T16:38:00.002+08:00

haiz. its been tiring, this week. been waking up at 4.30am in the morning everyday to help carry things to the parents' canteen stall at RGS. honestly i really think that they are hardly heavy and are so manageable to carry by the parents, especially since they took cab to work everyday. I suspect that its dad's evil plan to make me feel their pain and tiredness. well its not as if i was ever thanked, instead i even got scold at, threatened and insulted by the dad over somethings that are not my fault. blah! anyway i left the canteen at 6.30am to have breakfast and a couple of fags at the outdoor macdonalds beside isetan lido. it's really very peaceful to sit at the side of the road, drinking coffee and watch the city touched by sunlight every morning while people around me bustling to wherever they are heading to. i guess this is what keeps me sane in the wee hours of the morning. anyway have been in school very early; 9am!!! haha. suppose its good lah coz for once i come to school on tyme.

anyway things are worst coz i got my period this week and i have been on emotional rollercoaster ever since. i get pissed one second and can laugh out loud on the next second. every small things irritate me, every insulting word from the dad cause me to shed a tear (i suppose get used to it already) and every small joke makes me laugh so hard with that beylo fatheha. and at the end of the day, my head hurts and my body is just so tired.

when i reach home, i got my fyp stuff to so plus the gig thingy. will sleep by 1am and wakes up at 4.30am and the cycle goes on.

even though i may seem busy and life seems hectic, i feel like i am frozen in time and that everything and everyone around me is changing, growing, improving, moving on and etc, except for me. its like i never change. maybe physically heavier lah.. but everything seems the same. oh well. i really cant wait to graduate even though i must say i do enjoy lab work. HAH!

ok bye. need to smoke. tyme to go home...

T.G.I.F....i think.

2009-03-25T11:01:00.004+08:00

this week seems to pass by real fast. that's because there was lots of stuffs to do in the lab and things to learn and remember. Eric left for Australia at 2pm just now. so me and Yi Tian are on our own until eric comes back in 2-3 weeks time. well i suppose it not gonna be that bad since all we do is just plan our experiments, follow protocol, record results and find out why is the results are as such. end of the week we just have to send the report to eric and discuss further on a tele-conference on thursday or friday. anyway i attended a short meeting with my supervisor, yi tian, eric, david (vp of rockeby aussie) and the big boss of rockeby singapore. personally i thought it was pretty tense with the presence of the big boss there. finally the idea of being in a working life sink in me. the fact that you have to be accountable for everything you do, and there is little room for mistakes. you gotta have reason for every single thing that you do, purpose and all. coz when the big boss ask you questions, at least you wont sit there looking all "gong" and make the big boss believe that you're just wasting his resources without any purpose or results. blah! its serious shit! its your job on the line! who am i kidding that i am still a child anoymore. well part of me feel some kind of pride that I am entrusted with so much responsibility by the company. =))

Btw, i dont know whether i am proud of myself or not, but ever since Mon, i have smoke so less! i bought a pack on mon and till today there is more than 5 stick left (probably already stale cigarettes.) ever since eric was here, i only manage to smoke one before i reach school and one after i step out of school. if i was late for school then i dont smoke in the morning lor. the reason why i do not smoke during my lunch time is because i have to have lunch with eric and i cant sneak out to smoke because i have to work with him after lunch. i dont some people told me that i should not, and i quote, "give a damn about what they think", unquote, but firstly i think its simple respect. secondly this people maybe my future employer (at least i can hope) and if they know i smoke, den it might tarnish my reputation and chances to work with them. i have to do what i can now to secure a job after i graduate. my GPA is low and the economy is bad, so chances are low. haiz. i can only hope.

i guess that's a long enough post. i am still unsure what to do on the weekends.

*maya penat, ibu. maya penat, abah. jangan dirampas kemahuanku untuk hidup. untuk bergaul. maya hanya mahu dipercayai dgn kebebasan yg sudah diberi. remuk hatiku dgn kata2 mu. haiz... jgn sampai maya putus asa.*

ok time to go home. yay! smoke smoke smoke.

random update

2009-03-25T11:01:00.002+08:00

currently in the proteomics lab doing nothing. I should have brought my lap top today coz its seems like there are nothing much to do, but was too lazy to carry it. anyway its been 3 days since the eric guy came to nyp to train yi tian and me. well he is not an aussie after all, boo hoo. he's taiwanese who came to sg 15 years ago to study at a language school for 2 years and then stayed in Thailand for a long time and finally end up to work in a Australian company. so yea. major bummer. but he is a nice dude lah. not bad looking for a taiwanese, with a funny chinese/thai accent and very smart. =) so far i have not had lunch with any of my usual lunch buddy coz had to play host with for the aussie guys. kesian oshka tak makan lunch dah 2 hari! i swear she is turning into a workaholic. anyway so far i have not done anything hands on yet. have been having long-winded meetings with the supervisor and trainer to understand the whole theory and mechanism of the project before we start any experiment. well apparently i am under non-disclosure, so cannot reveal much about my project. but trust me its nothing fun like cutting organs, injecting zebrafish embryos or stem cells. i am dealing with nothing living. just some nanoparticle stuff.

i gtg. lunch time!!! hahaha.

*i hate waiting........*

A cupid's arrow is a bullet in disguise

2009-03-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

Seriously, I am too old for stupid teenage love poems.
I try to find words to express how I feel and at the same time disguise the true cause of such emotions. I type them out, read, and realize how stupid, how very stupid this heart of mine is. I am tired. oh so tired. In my mind, I keep on rationalizing over and over again how I should not feel this way. fuck feelings. fuck love. Its only gonna get you killed, so to speak.

I have enough things to worry about already.

and yet I miss you...

p/s: friends if you read this, PLease do not ask me who I am talking about. PLease.

Definitely Maybe

2009-03-17T21:25:00.003+08:00

My first real, "out loud" laugh this week:

Will Hayes (Dad): I had two serious girlfriends... and then some other smattering of other women.
Maya Hayes (Daughter): What's the boy word for 'slut'?
Will Hayes(Dad): They still haven't come up with one yet. But I'm sure they're working on it.

*from the movie Definitely Maybe starring Ryan Reynold and Abigail Breslin*

LOL!!! him-slut maybe???

Will Hayes: Will you... um... marry me?
April: No. What do you mean, 'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda? *wow!*
Will Hayes: Oh! Oh, my God.
April: You should've got on your knee.
Will Hayes: Just shut up! Here - I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me? *pukes pukes* *awwww...*
April: Definitely. Maybe.

personality quiz

2009-03-17T19:45:00.004+08:00

after checking my emails and facebook stuffs, I went to Hee Jung's blog and found a personality quiz she took. apparently some are true about her. I decided to try it out, still expecting a totally bogus results. plus the questions are like totally weird but its amazing how such questions can actually determine a personality type. After I read the results, I was surprised that 8 out of 9 things stated about me is kinda true. wow.

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

the last 3 points are scarily true... gives me the goosebumps!

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Forbidden... according to who?

2009-03-14T00:14:00.001+08:00

How can one deny oneself of a desire so strong?
I am in denial I suppose.
Its not that I refuse to have that thing that I want.
Its just I can't.
I am just not deserving enough i guess...
or maybe its just not my turn yet.
or maybe I am just not meant to be.
Why must one work so hard to change oneself to have that something which suppose to happen so naturally? That thing that suppose to happen in an instant, seconds?
I wish I could just stop wanting something I want deep down inside... But I just can't.

fyp photos galore2

2009-03-12T23:20:00.001+08:00

fyp photos galore

2009-03-12T23:08:00.003+08:00

hahaha here are photos proving that my 1st week of nyp is not hectic and stressful coz i have not started on my project yet. lol.

my aussie trainer will come tml. he is not NICK but his name is DAVID. lol.
i think he might be mature or older coz i read his resume and it states that he has 18 years of working experience. the youngest he can get is 38 or 40. hopefully he is hugh jackman/george clooney kinda old. old but still have some sex appeal. lol. c'mon. a girl CAN fantasize rite?!?! until of course the moment i meet him and I might snap back to reality to see a old nerdy skinny man trainer. hahaha. oh well till den.... *praying for hugh jackman lookalike*

OMG OMG OMG!!! i am so sexcited cannn!!!!! invited to my 1st masquerade-themed birthday partayyy!!! lyla's 20th. hahaha. DIY va va voom masks to be made. "costumes" to find. hahaha. its 28th y'all!!! 2 more weeks.

first day of fyp

2009-03-09T21:44:00.003+08:00

FYP supervisor: Cherine Tan (aka bulletmouth coz she talks really fast!!! but she is really nice and bubbly and totally love her style of handling us.)
FYP DT: a small petite young lady name DAWN
FYP trainer: Nick frm Australia (have not met him yet. will come on friday. OH GOD PLEASE LET HIM BE REALLY CUTE AND HOT WITH BLUE EYES AND NICE BODY. I DON'T MIND IF HE'S STRICT. I PROMISE TO DO REALLY WELL IN MY FYP AND COME PUNCTUALITY EVERYDAY TO ~~SEE HIM AND~~ DO MY PROJECT. )
FYP partner: an 06' batch girl name yi tian, apparently she got distinction for her fyp.
FYP MATES:
zhi jian: culturing cell lines (stoner and really weird but very nice guy)
Alvernia: Histolgy, cutting dead animal organs n tissues (talkative, over-enthusiastic, very cherinetan-like personality, predicting that she might get on my nerves real soon)
Julia: nanoparticles (quiet, private girl. she needs to open up coz i find it hard to communicate with her)

so far I think FYP is going to be really challenging. I'll be doing a lot of research to improve the sensitivity and a specificity if a Influenza A test kit prototype. I cant disclose any information about the project (not that its any interest to any of you) because its apparently its against the rules. Although I am going to expect a lot of confusion and hard work, I am really looking forward to making this FYP of mine a success. I just pray that my enthusiasm will last for 6 months coz I tend to have a short attention span. What is cool is that if I manage to get successful results at the end of it, my name might be publish in journal papers in NCBI!!! lol. now i sound really nerdy. for you who might not get the level of importance of this thing... its like getting your name publish in guinness world record, only not as big of a deal la. actually that did not cross my mine at all, was only informed by cherine today. i just really hope to score an A to pull up my GPA and also to get a chance to get an Internship with the company cherine is collaborating with after i graduate. i might even get to work there for good. isnt that exciting!!!!

oh ya. am going to have brunch with THE ahmad tml at amk hub!!! so freakcited!!!

p/s: maybe nick might look like curtis stone??? OMG!!! boleh cair!!!

Final Year Project

2009-03-07T22:40:00.002+08:00

Finally I am going to start my FYP next Monday and end my "holiday". Well technically I have no break whatsoever. During my exams, I was helping my parents in their new canteen in RGS till now. It was one of the most physically demanding weeks of my life. A part of me feel relieved, but another part of me feel sympathetic towards my parents. Now I know how hard is it to provide food and shelter for the family. and without my help, it is only going to get harder. We worked so hard till our back ache and our feet swollen. sigh...

anyway business is good, so can finally pay our bills on time. I have been spending my money on cabs and books. lol. I am totally addicted to cab. its one of the luxuries I choose to indulge if I have the cash. Anyway I finally bought David Baldacci' Divine Justice book. Its so awesome, better than I expected. Stop reading the boring "eat, pray and love" book as soon as i bought it at Harris for 20% discount. woohoo!!!!! so blardy happy.

anyway like i said before, FYP is starting next week. I am totally clueless on what to expect. I hope it will not be as taxing as study semester. but I will try to do my best. wish me luck! ciao. back to oliver stone a.k.a john carr. =)

trust issues

2009-03-01T08:56:00.005+08:00

Its been awhile since I last posted an entry. Even though exams ended last Tuesday, I was busy helping out the parents at their new canteen at Raffles Girls School. And by the time I got back home, I am too tired think and do anything else except for facebook, sketch, pet society, spot the difference and television. anyway I am just here for awhile to rant my feelings out.

I have just realize yesterday that there are some things, well a lot of things, that you just can't tell the mother, who you think deserve to know and KEEP some of your secrets. I really though my mom, the more understanding parent, would understand my feelings and actually KEEP the secrets and feelings I poured to her, to herself! But it took her barely a few hours from telling my dad about some of my deepest secret feelings. WTF!!! I should have known better. I really wanted to trust my mom. I really thought we could have that special mother-daughter bond that I much saw on the telly. But I was wrong. I just cannot fathom how my mother could actually call me a liar, when lying is the like a hobby to them. I am so sad, angry and disappointed by this. I wish I could undo yesterday. I really do. Now I really believe that "what you don't know, will not hurt you". And that is how I will treat the parents, especially my mom, from now onwards. I will be a private person, even though i'm not, I will try hard to be that person. Why cant i just be soft-spoken and private. haiz.......

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.”

p/s: Melor Binte Abdul Rahman: I miss you. I wish you will get well soon. I am sorry I cannot be by your decision this time around. I am sorry I cant see you much anymore. But I do wish you would find happiness that you deserve. I will pray for you before I sleep... well that is if I do start praying anytime soon. I miss you.

Because of you, I am afraid.

stress-free for a day

2009-01-28T21:49:00.004+08:00

Today is a pretty alright day, even though I slept at 4a.m. last night after editing my Molecular Genetics report. and mind you, I slept on the hard and very small couch in the living room. the sister is such a good company. love her lots.

and the nephew, never-ending antics just to make me laugh. Plus I got to read his hilarious malay karangan.

"Saya bercita-cita mahu menbina computer games."

"Saya mesti pass mathematics kerana saya harus mengira size monster dan hero dalam game saya."

"Saya tidak mahu jadi bodoh kerana tanpa duit, saya tidak boleh membeli apa-apa."

My nephew is primary 6 by the way, taking his PSLE this year. I should be worried, only it makes me laugh so hard reading his karangan OUT LOUD!!!
I feel bad after that coz he seems quite embarrassed.

Anyway went to the ex-bro-in-law house today with the sister. Have not been there since 5 years ago, before the sister got divorce. The house looks horrible and the kitchen has this awful foul-smelling odour! pee-eew! anyway I now do not have doubts that the sister might get back to her ex-hubby. hmmm. honestly, I do not know how i feel about that!

below is a photo taken long time ago at keppel bay@marina (or is it Marina@keppel bay?)
and my favourite photo of the day...

look at my stress-free smile

Rehab

2009-01-26T14:55:00.004+08:00

YOu know what's unfair?

The fact that us, the normal, middle class people, or lower, have to force ourselves through whatever emotional pains and physical addictions that we may face. We cannot afford to fall. We cannot afford to breakdown. We cannot afford to undergo depression. We cannot afford to be addicted to substances. We cannot afford to get drunk or get high just to conceal the most unbearable pain: emotional and mental pain. WHY? Because we cannot afford to pay for medical bills, rehab, psychological therapy. Us, the more financially deprived, we have more important things to pay. We deal with money, family, social problems.

Those rich ass people: they have one less problem to face. and yet they choose to spend it on booze and drugs just to prove that they can actually pay for rehab and best medical treatment in the world.

This is fucking unfair. Coz I want to let go once in a while. I want to breakdown and let doctors, nurses and shrinks to take care of me. But I cant. coz I have bills to pay, school to excel in, and the whole future to think of. and this may sound shallow and materialistic but I do think its realistic: Money makes the world goes around. Money makes your heart beats. Money is superior among love, family and watevernots.

haiz. I am in pain.

Lunar New Year

2009-01-25T16:34:00.002+08:00

Welcome to the year of the Ox.

FYI: I was born in the year of the rabbit. =)

whatever year that it is, people are still dying, war is still ongoing and diseases are still spreading. This is why I only do selective reading when I read the newspaper. It is not that I choose to be ignorant, I just rather not be emotional about other people's affairs. It is not that I choose to be selfish, but how can make the world a better place, when my own life is in a mess.

I am just done teaching tuition to the twins. I hope creating their own blogs will help them improve their creative writing. Honestly, I can teach maths and science and even the humanities subject. But ENGLISH? I got C5 for my O's man! sigh...

I do not the know the point of this blog. just blabbing i guess. my sister's in batam and i miss her terribly. hope she gets back soon.

meow. LOL!

Anti-smoking???

2009-01-22T11:36:00.005+08:00

Slept at 3am last night. Had to come up with a poster for our marketing project, marketing analysis on a product called ANDRO cream. lol. It was fyona idea after we came up with lego and other insignificant products. I design 8 posters all together because I really was not sure what was required by fyona. She pretty much is the director of this whole project. so sleepy..

btw I am still on Greys Anatomy. only got to Season 1 episode 5. I am watching it slowly because, firstly, I have tons of school work to do, and secondly, my internet connection decided to be a snail when it comes to streaming videos and music. bleargh! I came across this scene where george and bailey were analyzing a lung x-ray...

Miranda Bailey: What did you see george?

George O'Malley: hyper-inflated lungs, clouding *something*... seriously diminish lung capacity. She must be having trouble breathing.... *bla bla bla*

bailey: course of action?

George: remove *bla bla bla* to release the pressure.

Richard webber: she has been through this before. we just need to talk her through this anyway. And resist the anti-smoking lecture. she's feeling bad enough already.

George (to bailey): Do you think that if they put this pictures on the pack of cigarettes, people will stop smoking?

LOL. We all know the answer to that question!!! N-O! hahaha. we 're doing it in Singapore and there are still increasing sales of cigarettes even after they increase the taxes on these carcinogen sticks and according to AK, lung cancers are on the rise for both woman and man and according to him during immunology lecture, "because some ladies nowadays thinks its cool to smoke..." In my defense to his comment, the idea that "smoking is cool" is so passe!!! we just enjoy doing it because its relaxing, psychologically speaking. oh well. a no-brainer question: guess what am I doing now???

haha!

Adrian Mole, the Wilderness Years.

2009-01-20T23:24:00.003+08:00

Finally, I manage to finish my Molecular Genetics report on Molecular Analysis of Polymorphism of PV92 alleles- Isolation of DNA from Human cheek cell (lol! chiminology!). To be exact, MY cheek cell was used because my dear lab partner find the saline solution (or is it saline?!) too gross to be gargled. So maya here have to sacrifice my poor cheek cells so that my DNA can be isolated to find out whether I have ALU elements in my PV92 region on my chromosome. LOL!!! I can picture the look of non-biologists' faces when they read this. The honest truth is... I dunno what is the PV92 and the ALU elements. All I know is that this experiment is to make sure that us, students, future lab worker, will not mess up in our PCR techniques in future labs and tarnish the school reputation.

OK. Fine. enough with the sciency stuffs.

I think that the sister and her bf is officially over. My sister is totally fine because she was not really into him, or so she says, in the first place. But the bf (ex-bf?) is a completely scary obsessed freak who was actually a bit to aggressive on the sister, thus her bruises on her arms. To make things worst, on his part, he is being totally juvenile by deleted all of us (the sister, her kids and myself) on facebook. and furthermore, he actually manage to hack into the sister's msn and facebook for reasons I cannot imagine an adult would had for his childish ways. Well, taking into consideration of his brutal past of his previous marriage, I might understand where all this emotional baggage is coming from. That is why from the start I do not 100% agree on my sister's choice of men. But I cant possibly tell her I TOLD YOU SO...right?

I was watching the celebration on the Inauguration of the US new president, Barrack Obama on HBO... and I am amazed by the amount of support and the degree of celebration to welcome the 1st black president of America. Before, whenever there was a new president elected, noone even bothered at all especially when the Bush guy filled the office. But now, wow! I think the fact that Obama represents different racial and religious background, somehow brings all this support to his campaign. His granddad was a Muslim, he's dad is a African dude and his mom is a white American. He even spend part of his childhood in Indonesia and somehow the fact that Japan has an island coincidentally named Obama, all these help in bringing people together and have a renewed faith in peace and harmony in the world. He even include the "gays and straights... to be one as Americans" in his speech. People want to believe he can bring change and stop unnecessary blood to be spill due to racial and religious disputes. And I really hope that he won't be a disappointment. If not, that would be so sad. and the efforts, so wasted.

Btw, I went to the library to return some books, thinking that they were overdued, but apparently not. I borrowed 3 other books and one of them is the diary of Adrian mole. I finish reading it a few hours ago! Its actually very easy to read coz its a diary and the language was simple enough. I remember during secondary 2, we use the diary of Adrian Mole, aged 13 and 3/4, for our English literature text and it was my favourite text book. The one i just read is him being a 24 year old man, who has not ambition whatsoever, unemployed and has a pathetic love life. Basically his life is very sad and pathetic and funny at times and will definitely make anyone feel better after reading his diary. =)

*thx to HEEJUNGNOH, now i am on Grey's Anatomy marathon... and i have other projects undone!!! shucks!

Just one day off... no more.. i promise

2009-01-19T23:49:00.004+08:00

Today was one of those days I didn't feel like going to school. I had one of those lady cramps which came once in a few months for me. Actually so many days I felt like ditching school and laze at home or go out with the sister instead. But many a times, I resist that temptation knowing that I would not want to repeat my previous semester mistakes. However I am not proud to say this... but I kinda MIA-ed from school today because I rather spend time with a Korean babe (yes dear you are still a babe... ) whom i haven't seen since my pathetic attempt of a birthday "party" last year, October. Somehow I knew that I need to talk to her. I knew that us catching up will make me feel better. And I was right. I miss being able to have a conversation about anything under the sun with her. We had lunch at Lucky Plaza because I was craving for the EMPAL PENYET (fried beef with that Indon very spicy chilli paste). We tried walking around after the filling meal, but both of us decided we were too old (aha!) to be walking around aimlessly, so we decided to just chill at the McCafe@Lido. She was so sweet to accompany me until ira and annur came later. She even quarreled with the needy bf just to accompany me. Annur came to meet me because she wanted to collect Irah's invitation card. Irah came later, much much later, to discuss with me the activities of her birthday party end of this month. By the way, she made me became her emcee for her party. This was FUCKING ridiculous because I never emceed before and I knew I will be a horrible emcee. shit! I just have this strong gut feeling that I will embarrass myself! I must find a way to excuse myself.

BTW speaking of the party, my birthday present for Irah might be ruin because a certain someone became emotionally wrecked up because he had a, apparently, huge argument with the sister. And this causes him to ignore me totally and refuse to help me get the "goods" i ordered!!! shucks rite!!! Imagine I turn up without that thing I promised.... so malu kan! All he have to do is to go to his old working place to get the "goods". I mean they are not only mine, but got his and my sister's share. I am so disappointed. Hopefully the sister can find away to get the things.

Anyway, I have nothing to wear to Irah's poolside party. No black (most of my wardrobe are black), white and orange. Any STRIKING colours. Haiz.

btw all the girls I met just now, were in one way or another, got cheated by guys before. and I told Korean babe that I think having to give in to the bf's every single need is so sad. and she say that she thinks i might be the "give in" type of girlfriend. Well this literally made me shiver. The idea that i might eat back my words just seem very disgusting idea to me.

*sigh*

I don't think I miss socializing very much despite all this while I thought I was miserable. In fact I think the whole "anti-social" or "loner" concept seems very appealing to me now. Somehow it helps me achieve what I want.

I am actually more worried than excited about attending irah's party.

I think I should get to sleep. I am feverish from the 17 sticks of carcinogen sticks I had today! too much. just too much for a day... when I am in school I smoke less than 5 sticks per day. when I'm out with my friends, I usually lost track on how much sticks I had. talk.smoke.talk.smoke.drink.smoke.eat.smoke.talk.walk.smoke.laugh.smoke.
plus the hole in the pocket thing is making my head hurt too. maybe i should take a day off from mutating my cells tomorrow.

all is well...

2009-01-18T21:35:00.001+08:00

everything's fine now. mom and i cleared our misunderstanding. love her lots. =))
God will side the good hearted.

Believe.

what hurts the most???

2009-01-18T15:49:00.002+08:00

maya is devastated that the mum supported and sided that farking woman and go against her own daughter, the farking woman who once betrayed her. maya is sad and disappointed that the mum scream at her in front of that fark-up woman and her family. how could she.....? all these while maya was the one who was there for the mum through her pain, tears and all her complaints. how could she........?

blonde-ish

2009-01-17T01:14:00.003+08:00

bimbo-ish?

lol. no.

anyway despite the previous previous post, sista and I manage to go to far east plaza to get our hair extensions done. i got those blonde-ish strands coz i always wan to highlight my hair by rather not bleach it. sister got a shade lighter than her hair colour now though its not very obvious. hmmm i think mine looks kinda nice. though the problem is my hair is very wavy and the blardy extensions are very straight so its kinda weird. hmmmmmm. maybe i should consider bleaching my hair? should i?

oh btw grandma got admitted to the hospital again today. its the same reasons as before. apparently nothing serious: water retention which makes her ankle look huge and elevated blood pressure. doctors ran some test and apparently nothing is wrong with her. WTF WTF WTF!!! there must be something wrong with her right....... haiz. anyway she'll be staying with cik senah for awhile.

oh ya abt an hour ago i had the most vulnerable and open conversation with my dear korean bestie. i was glad that we had that talk. i cried so hard wen i found out..... the emotional and mental strength of women still manage to amaze me and the things that men do to satisfy their "natural desire" just makes me hate them even more. why cant men be faithful...? why isnt one enough? why will there always be the desire to try other "flavours"? isnt love enough? haiz....

i am afraid coz i see my love ones around me get hurt by men. not only bfs, but husbands, sons, brothers and dads too. am i able to find the one who will love me unconditionally. or is it possible to be a perfect individual entity? only time will tell.....

2009-01-16T01:21:00.002+08:00

on a lighter note:
i got my common test results a few days back.

immuno- B
med micro- C+
bioinformatics- B+
molecular genetics- B+
marketing- B
MBID- C

much to my dismay, i did not ace anything. but i do admit that i improve alot compare to the previous semesters. usually Ds and Fs were my thing. oh well. next stop: A.
btw fyona aced every single module. WOW.

will study harder. will sacrifise more.

while writing this post, this song is playing on my iPod...

"As I'm staring out the window
In solitude I look at life
From different angles
Thoughts strangled
My mind is suffocatin'
In this truth quest"

"I gotta call Him
Sajadah is where the booth is
I'll make it clear that
I ain't even tryin' to preach here
By sharing thoughts I hope
To find a little peace here
I thank Allah for blessing me"

"And I wish to
Ask for forgiveness
Your guidance
Protection and strength
For humbleness and faith
To make me a better man"

yes i am thankful...

Les Misérables

2009-01-16T00:44:00.005+08:00

i really didnt want to post this depressing entry.
but no choice ah.... i am feeling down n i dun think i got anybody i can talk to who can make me feel better.

was watching american idol season 8 auditions.
den during commercial break, they show the trailer for the next episode of ghost whisperer. its been months since i followed the last episode. aiyoh. i really wan to cry can........

MELINDA GORDAN'S HUSBAND IS DEAD.

apparently according to the trailer, she cannot see her husband's spirit and somehow he is reluctant to cross over leaving melinda alone. so sad right. i really think that they are the most loving couple on tv!!! haiz. i refuse to watch the last episode tml coz i dont wan to be all emo and cry over fictional characters on tv.

you know what pisses me off the most??? its the fact i see people... friends going overseas for attachments or taking their degrees. sweden, australia, scotland, US and the list goes on... i mean serious i noe they go overseas coz they was not accepted into NUS. but because the fact that they have the kaching$$$, they still can take their degrees. its farking unfair. i wan to go overseas too. i wan to travel too. i wan to study work and migrate somewhere else outside of singapore or mayb outside of the ASIA continent. i am so jealous. haiz. i wan to go n cry now... i think i am pms-ing.

should i go have my blonde highlight extensions alone tml???

mirror mirror on the wall

2009-01-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

here is a totally random thought.

you know everyday when I look myself in the mirror...
I go "hmmm I don't think I look that bad... nice eyes... not extremely fat... ok lah!"
DUH! I know that I am fat, but i was never like totally grossed out about my own body.
HOWEVER............... when I take a random photo (not posed) of myself, I will be like "OMG! look at my double chin!!! u can stick a pencil up there!" LOL.
it gets worst if someone took a video of me, like that one of my birthday videos, I can almost not believe that that big fat dodo bird in the video is me! "I mean look at her hips and thighs man!" how can someone that big, be able to run (yes dude i can still run, though not long distance) or swim (my fav sport, though i think i am real slow...) or play basketball (two words: center.guard). and then another thought hit me. being a normal human being who rarely blames myself... I shall put the blame on the blardy mirror which is hanging in my living room!!! that is the mirror which I usually use to put on make up, style my hair, fix my bra (LOL). all my life... I have been using the same mirror, from my old house at ANG MO KIO, my previous house in BISHAN and currently in TAMAN JURONG. and before I go exit the door, that is the mirror which i use to make sure than I look pretty decent. I have been deceived!!! ALL MY LIFE!!! maybe it is a magic mirror... coz I notice that I hate looking at myself in shopping mall toilet mirror, and those round mirror at the cosmetic counter, coz somehow it amplifies the flaws in the skin. hmmmmm...
come to think about it... snow white's stepmother maybe after all innocent. if you notice... all the "evil" stepmothers in cartoons, they all look the same. black purple maroon dress, long black nails, dark eye shadows and blackish lip stick. instead of being emo and gothic, they actually think themself as beautiful and pretty and young. snow white step mother has a magic mirror which whenever she ask "mirror mirror on the wall. who is the fairest of them all?" and he once said "you, my queen is the fairest of them all" coz he was afraid that the queen might shatter him into pieces. hmmmmmm...... so the real villain of this fairy tale is actually the MIRROR ON THE WALL!!!

lol. no idea where all this came from... bye.

1st entry of 2009

2009-01-02T01:00:00.003+08:00

its like a gazillion years since last wrote an entry.

maybe coz there wasnt much of "happy and happening" things in my life to blog about.

but a friend once said... "maybe for the sake of yourself... you should write and entry... about how you going to get what you want..." or something along those lines.

i shall just write about whatever that's going through my mind.
well here goes nothing.

1. 2008: a year filled with ups and downs (mostly downs)

2. 2008: i got 3 counseling sessions with 2 lecturers and 1 director of school of life sciences.

3. 2008: I almost gave up on school.

4. 2008: my parents got called to school

5. 2008: quote. "your bullshit crappy attitude" unquote. from mr jay. everytime i think about it, i feel this intense fury in me. i truly hate him for saying this to my face. but yet i cannot deny this somehow changes something within me.

6. 2008: I met a truly incredible person. someone who defines a person who knows how to work hard and play hard. FYONA WONG. smart, passionate, gay, slightly obsessive complusive, hyper active, smoker, fun, academically-inclined, PLAY regular, piercings' her game...etc.

7. 2008: MB0704, my some-what new class. somehow i feel more belonged here than i ever did in MB0606.

8. 2008: my new smoking kakis Fyona and Victoria

9. 2008: I lost some friends, or rather, they lost me.

10. 2008: the end of the infamous SMOKING ALLEY. security guards all over that place now... a place once filled with good memories and good people (SAC, taiti, etc), the highlight of my poly social life... now a barren piece of walkway...

11. 2008: finally have some solid goals in mind. working hard towards it. i swore i nv studied and worked so hard since my second year in JC. but unlike JC, this is somehow more fruitful. even compliments frm the lecturers behind moi back.

12. TWILIGHT

13. 2008: last day of the year... 31st December 2008, the most heartbreaking day of the year. "dad, i'm sorry u felt that way about me."

14. 2009: still waiting for my common test results, hopeful at least 4 A's. I got a damn good feeling about it. wow.

15. 2009: gonna work my ass off to score as much A's as i can to pull up my currently-pathetic GPA.

16. 2009: be as positive as i can. grab hold to as much happiness as i can.

17. 2009: improve my financial status by getting a part time job. (maybe going back to tuition?)

18. 2009: a resolution i keep making year after year, and i wun disappoint the tradition... LOST WEIGHT.

That's abt it so far.

I want to make a resolution to my Life
To follow the course to a better life
When heaven and earth becomes as one
All things can be made new under the sun

Remember me this way

2008-09-03T10:59:00.006+08:00

Remember when I was a kid,
you and mom would always bring me out.
We would go every where together.
We would go to carnivals and funfairs.
You would carry me and put me on one of those rides,
and sometimes even ride with me.
Remember when you used to enter me in every children event there is,
like that charity elephant event at forum galleria.
You would look up to me with pride
while I recite the Singapore pledge on stage with another boy.
You would wave at me and take photos of my friends and I while
we were playing games and painting faces on pebbles.
Remember when you always bring me to watch fireworks everywhere.
You would carry me higher than any kids out there,
and make me feel as though I was the closest to sky.
You would make me feel I could believe in anything.
Remember during the Great Singapore Sale,
you would bring me to Takashimaya,
and let me pick any toys I want,
and books I want,
and mom would make me try endless of cute little dresses in the dressing room,
and finally bought me a few.
Remember those times you brought me to a playground,
and you keep screaming at me coz I just stood there and refuse to go up the slides
or play with anyone.
and when someone pushed me and I fell,
you would run up to me and carry me away,
wiping my tears and telling that everything is going to be okay.
Those were the moments I miss the most.
Those were the best times I had with both of you.
Those were the most precious memories.
Those memories never fail to make me smile and yet I shed a tear or two
coz those moments dont happen anymore.
How I long we could all go out,
just the 3 of us,
hand in hand,
without any negativities,
without any care in the world,
without you reprimanding me.
Now that would be a perfect world wouldnt it be.

You had to grow old and tired
and I had to grow up.
I had to be an adult
and do things on my own.
I had to stand on my own two feet
and find joy and laughter my own way.

OneRepublic- Mercy
All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do
Is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A Tragedy I fear

Angel of Mercy
How did you find me?
How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy
How did you move me?
Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you

wouldn't it be nice to be a kid again.

lesson learned

2008-08-26T22:56:00.003+08:00

I hope today might be the day.

A day where all my mortal encumbrances which plague my mind
have finally start to fade away.
I feel huge sense of relieve.
One I have never felt for such a long time.

First and foremost, I would like to thank Allah for creating mothers.
For blessing me with one who loves me unconditionally.
One who never gives up hope on me.
One who willing to sacrifice anything for me.
One who listens to my troubles and never judge for a second.
One who never make me feel unwanted and un-belonged.
One who constantly be on my side even tho the blame is on me.
Despite her constant irritating habit of keeping everything neat and tidy,
despite her being a busybody about my life,
despite her never-ending nagging about everything I do or not do at home,
I LOVE IBU very much.
she is my SUPERWOMAN.

I would like to thank Allah for creating fathers.
For blessing me with one who loves me and wants me to be the best I can be.
One who always supports me.
One who provides for me as much as he can afford.
One who believes I am better than everybody else.
One who never make me feel at lost and jealous due to someone else's new things.
One who always makes me feel safe.
One who constantly remind me of Allah.
One who disciplines me.
Despite his endless suspicions of me,
despite his lack of trust in me,
despite of him not giving me the freedom I deserve,
despite of the way he disciplines me,
despite of all the harsh words he use on me,
despite he not putting very high hopes on me afraid that he might get disappointed,
despite all the fights and arguments that you always win,
despite of endless negativities that I might feel towards you for whatever reasons,
I really do love ABAH.

Tonight I had a long all-hearts-out conversation with the mom.
About some of the feelings and secrets I have been keeping in me.
Told her how I felt about her siblings and relatives.
about me still in contact with my stepsister,
about some very personal family problems,
about my school problems.
and she she listens and advice and support.
never judge or scold me.

I told her about school.
about how I have been failing modules for the past years.
I told her that I might not be graduating soon as I have extra 2 semesters to repeat my modules.
I told he about the times I skipped school and not submit my reports.
I told her about the counseling sessions I had with my lecturers and the director of life science.
I told her that they say I am smart and can study, but I am lazy.
I told her that I regretted every minute of it, and wished that I could undo it all.
I told her I was badly affected that my uncle look down on me coz my GPA was low.
I told her that I kept all this away from the parents coz I was afraid that dad will make me quit school, but I still want to study.
I know she was disappointed but she didn't show it.
She does seems a bit sad though.

She told dad, and surprisingly he supports my decision to continue studying.
even though he never told me, mom told me that he actually still hopes for me to go into university overseas and even migrate there.

I thank God for somehow clearing my mind and my heart.
I hope that this is the moment which I finally realise what I am suppose to do.
I pray that I will be a better person.
Not only for my family,
but for myself.

you cannot handle my purr...

2008-08-25T21:50:00.001+08:00

awwwwww. isn't it so farking adorable!!!
i want a kitty for my 21st birthday!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!?

2008-08-24T15:50:00.002+08:00

this is worst than gays and lesbians. at least homosexuals don't produce genetically messed up kids. this is so wrong. i doubt the society will ever accept such sexual orientation. urgh! i'm totally grossed out!!!

HUman Biology

2008-08-20T23:52:00.003+08:00

sorry for the lack of updates.

been busy lah. got exams u noe. somemore got alot of repeat modules to seat for. cannot fail sey. if not can kena kick out of school den become PHD (poly halfway drop-out). LOL!

I am having my Human Biology and Diseases exam paper tomorrow.
And as usual, being the last minute person that I am, I am studying for the module now at 11 plus at night (thank God my paper is at 12.30pm).
Afraid that I might be sleepy and fall asleep, I already drank 2 mugs of Nescafe Rich (instant as I have no idea how to make a perfect cup of copy from scratch) and half a bar of Ritter Sport Cornflakes chocolate.
I was done with my Endocrine chapter and now am at the end of my Digestion System chapter. And the funny thing is, when I reach the part about large intestine, my stomach (or correctly termed as abdomen) starts to churn and I can feel my anus vibrates (LOL!). I swear I am not lying! What a perfect timing! I suppose this is when my "fecal material" move slowly from my "caecum to the transverse colon", and "the peristaltic contraction move the materials from the transverse colon to the anus." LOL!

after the trip to the "thunder-box" (apparently a slang used by the british-indian army. how appropriate!), I think I shall stick to just water instead of more coffee, though I seriously craving for a smoke and Starbucks coffee (which might cause more thunder). Well, now that I am a hundred bucks "richer", I shall indulge in those tomorrow. =)

*remind to oneself not to use smileys in future posts: seems very childish, no?*

I need to get back to "mugging" for my paper tomorrow. Damn! Its been a while since I use the word "mugging" for myself.
do you know what? I think people (my poly mates to be specific) who I am not very close to, think I am incapable (uncapable?) of "mugging"!!! coz whenever I mention that I want to hit the books, these people give me the "are you fucking kidding me?" look.
last week I bum (bump?) into an old (not literally!) friend who graduated in 2007 at woodlands community library. he asked me what I was doing there.
When I told him I was studying for an exam, he said "since when you study sey?! you're not the kind of person who studies for exams what... so why bother study?"
OMFG!
how the hell do you people expect I got into JC and poly?
trust me, I am not decent-looking enough to sleep with the teacher/lecturer for grades.
and I am not bothered enough to suck-up to the lecturers for grades.
oh watever.

wish me luck for my exams! =)

p/s: I came across a blog solely about toilets, when I was looking for an alternative word for toilet. LOL! so funny! http://funnytoilet.blogspot.com/

boulevard of broken dreams

2008-07-25T11:05:00.002+08:00

1st n foremost, congrats for passing ur TP afie!!!!
n lyla, u can do better next tyme.
la dun worry. kau confirm ader kereta waiting for u wen u pass....

talk to syafiq (fatheha's ex) yesterday on the fone.
its damn weird coz we never had a proper conversation before wen he was still with bestie but now we talked on the fone.
den he wanted to talk to the bestie and i had them to conference.
luckily bestie tak marah.
so when they were talkin, i put my hp aside and didnt hear their conversation coz i feel like i am not suppose to hear them.
den suddenly bestie call me, cryin coz fiq start reminising about the past.
damn.
i'm sorry girlfriend. i promise to never do it again.
but one thing i know is that you're very lucky to have someone loving you that much.
its funny when the person you know who loves you and is incapable of hurting you, is not the one you want to be with.
i guess "love is everything", not that true after all.

i feel kinda frustrated coz i am tired of school.
so much to catch up on.
exams is in 2-3 weeks time.
and being a scientist isnt my dream afterall.
so it sux doin things u hate doing u know.
but i guess its too late.
you just have to persevere.

ok maya feeling emo shit.

Would you like to hear a secret,
Something I'll bet you never knew,
A secret deep inside me,
I've been hiding it from you.

Do you see this smile,
So huge upon my face,
My eyes are big and sparkling,
Everything seems in its place.

I'll bet you didn't know,
As I close my ~~bedroom~~ door,
There's something I've been hiding,
I let out as I fall to the floor.

You can't hear my silent sobs,
Or see the ~~cuts~~ I make,
You don't know the things I do,
When I don't have to be fake.

The secret I've been hiding,
The one that I hide best,
I never wanted you to worry,
Mother, I'm horribly depressed.

10 things

2008-07-17T22:17:00.002+08:00

Ten things you should (or not) know.

1. I am a 10 year old kid.

2. you know when you have feelings for someone, there is always this hope of wanting to be with that someone. you will wish that he/she will be yours.
but its different for me.
I don't hope for you to feel the same.
I don't wish you'll be mine.
I don't want anything from you.
I just like you FULLSTOP.

3. A friend of mine was cheated by her boyfriend whom she loved unconditionally and gave her everything to. but yet she still loves him.
someone I know has (present tense) a husband who slept with her bestfriend. but yet she not only forgives him but her bestfriend too.
and there is so many women out there who face the same thing.
the men just don't get it.
and I have decided to keep my heart as far away from these creatures as possible.
I don't think I am strong enough.

4. I miss hangin out with my bestfriend.

5. The lies just never stop.
and I hate lying.
lie only if you HAVE TO.

6. I want to go to SINGfest.

7. I love angmohs.

8. My mom is watching a program on SURIA about young couples getting married.
and i caught myself saying,
"haha! you idiots! next stop: divorce."
damn!

9. I want to see the shrink.

10. I realise this post is a waste of tyme.

*please give me a wishing star...

delusional...

2008-07-13T16:13:00.002+08:00

wanted to post my langkawi fotos.
spent hours yesterday uploading them on the com n into frienster and facebook.
it took so much tyme coz i just love editing them before i upload.
now i have to upload them into photobucket before posting them here.
but right now i just don't have the mood.

We're frozen in a delusional world;
no one wants to embrace what is unquestionable.
They refuse to accept the problems with this life;
because truth is what they fear the most.

We're locked in a fantasy world;
where we just ignore what is fact.
They turn down thoughts of anything wrong;
because reality is what they dread the most.

We're glued in a fictional world;
no one will tolerate honesty.
They ignore all of the dilemmas we face;
because actuality is what makes them shudder the most.

We're fixed in this irrational world;
nobody can handle the authenticity.
They deny what can be confirmed;
because truth is what they fear the most.

Its not that I don't embrace honesty.
Its just that they cannot accept the truth.
I guess that is what makes them sane.
Avoiding the truth....

negativity

2008-07-07T18:09:00.002+08:00

So much random things to say.

1. I hate love stories from movies or books.
especially the good ones.
either they make me cry or the make me yearn for love.
urgh!

2. I don't understand why some parents just refuse to accept that they are human beings too, who make mistakes like everyone else.
just because they are entitled to the name "parents", they think that they are a much more superior beings than us.
Just because they make a mistake in their past, we cant make the same mistake as them.
from "P/s: I love you" movie: "You know the worst thing for a parent... second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can't stop it. It's a terrible, helpless feeling. Makes you angry all the time"
well, exactly my point.
i know it sux watching your child make mistakes and even failing in life.
but when your child is an adult, YOU CAN'T STOP IT.
you can advice all you want, but if we are determine to do something, we just would and all you can and should do is just seat there and watch.
we are entitled to make our OWN mistakes and learn our own lessons coz its our own damn life!

3. a few minutes ago i just received a sms from my mentor saying that the director would like to meet up with me regarding some school issues.
haiz.
i'm screwed.

4. why is it that when a guy cheats on his gf/wife, its forgivable and they get away with just "oh that's their nature. that's just men." but when we cheat on our men, we're cheap sluts.
urgh!!! I hate the society for the things that men do that we cant without being labelled.

5. I feel like there is something missing in my life.
something that is once there but disappeared,
or something that is never there before but i want it bad.
i desperately need to change some things in my life.
I think I will quit smoking.

now that's a shocker.

the day i start by taking a cab to school.

2008-07-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

I went for counseling by Miss Geraldine and Mr Jay at block P just now.
It really freak me out as i felt like i was confronted by two person rather then just a counseling session.
damn.
Never in my life was i counseled by teachers and lecturers.
Then it somehow hit me that my life is pretty much messed up.
Never had i cried in front of strangers before.
today i was tearing and practically sobbing at one point of time in front of 2 strangers who are much more adult than me.
the rest of the day was spent alone, thinking about my life.
I went to the alley only once today.

well the end of my day wasn't so bad.
that person who made me feel the way i do.
all buttery and jumpy inside.
who made me smile coz i want to not becoz i had to.
who made me laugh unconsciously despite my bad day.
who made me feel special with his sweets words (although he used it on many girls)
who made me not want my train ride to end.

oh well.
he is just a friend.

how can you....?

2008-06-25T22:20:00.003+08:00

how can you see your bestfriend hurting so bad inside without feeling sorry for her?
how can you see her cry without tears rolling down your own cheeks?
how can you see the sparkle, that was once so bright, lost in her eyes without feeling a sudden pang of regret?
how can you bear seeing her give up in life?
how will you feel if you cannot do anything to help her feel better?
how can you stand watching everybody around her blame everything on her?
how can you watch others insult and criticize her without feeling angry at them?

but...
how can you stand up for her if you know that she is at fault?

L . O . V . E .

2008-05-28T22:40:00.003+08:00

One by one people around me fall out and back in love.

It is something I desire but at the same time I am afraid.

Love is more than "thanks babe. i love ya!".
Its more than just words.
Its a simple feeling yet,
it is so deep and complicated, even I can't comprehend.
Maybe that is why I am best without it.

as for now.

P/s: I passed my BTT.
FTT's on 26th june.
And practicals are so pricey.
I want a rich dad too.

or not.

A Chelsea fan is born

2008-05-22T05:38:00.002+08:00

This is the 1st tyme.
the 1st tyme I cried after watching a match.
I tot I wasnt much of a fan.
But somehow throughout the game,
the will of wanting chelsea to win was growing strong.
after watching them fight all out for this trophy,
I mean this is the best I have seen them played...
Lost by a penalty.
missed by terry.

I cried for chelsea.
now that is the 1st.

Man Utd Vs Chelsea

2008-05-22T02:55:00.008+08:00

3.04am
match at 19.04
woke up at 2.05am just to watch the champions league game between man utd and chelsea.
I am not really a soccer fanatic.
but I do appreciate the game.
and at a woman's point of view,
its fun to watch high levels of testosterone produced from 22 man on the field.
20 man chasing after one ball.
and there is hotness all over the field.
literally from hot tempered players like rooney.
figuratively speaking,
Christiano Ronaldo- love his facial expression when he scored.
Frank Lampard- love the fact that he is most of the tyme calm and very together.

you may think, "alamak maya ni macam paham..."
well mmg pun ah.
*awwww christiano just smiled... so cute....*
things i know about about soccer:
*21:10 tt ~~black~~ african american (?) chelsea player got yellow carded. and the man utd player has a bleeding nose.... wat a violent game... i loike! hehehe*
- 11 players on each team
- i know a goal when i see one =p
- free kick
-corner kick (my fav! coz this causes one of the best shots in my opinion)
- offside (daddy explain me tt one)
- hand ball
- foul
- penalty (most intensed tyme of the match)
*26' GOAAALLLLL!!!!!!! from non other than ronaldo!!! hehee. he heads and goal! the chelsea goalkeeper didnt even budge ah! no effort to save the goal*
- defense
- midfielder
- striker
- referee (they can be a bitch sometymes ah?!)
- injury
*alamak ballack sorang ke pe kat depan tu!!! bodoh ah!*
* 34+' alamak almost dok man utd score!!! the chelsea goalkeepr and his stupid head gear. damn redundant!!!*
- half tyme
- extra tyme
and so on and so forth....
i wish chelsea would win the game.
i think they need as much hope and prayers as they can get.
cole is apparently just recover frm injuries...
but i think man utd will win....
we shall see how...
its too early to tell.
all of them are at the top of their game.

*44:53' lampard just score!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! he kiss hid own ~~finger~~ ring and point to the sky... awww so cute.
1:1 now...
ada harapan ah....*

now back to the game.
just at yesterday night nyer nasi goreng and ice cold milo.
i shud be contented....
mayb an ice cold beer would be a whole lot better....

mayb not.

to my dear bestie:
*eh budak pompan! takde makna nya tau aku beli kan kau chelsea nyer jersey!!!
bukan kau tgk pun final match kan...
1st tyme chelsea kat finals ni!
kol kau pun tak angkat.
tdo mcm batu!!!
bleargh!*

Dear God

2008-05-21T20:15:00.002+08:00

Dear God,
I know I havent done this in a awhile.
Hear me cry. Hear me pray.
Release me this web that is suffocating me.
Give me a place for me to run and hide away.

Please give me a room.
I promise I will NEVER take it for granted again.

Yours sincerely,
Hamba Allah.

I FEEL GOOD. . . .

2008-05-20T22:26:00.004+08:00

One of the most important lesson that I've learnt from secondary school is that
people come and go in your life.
This includes the people you call bestfriends, girlfriends, boyfriends, just friends and hi-bye friends.
sometimes conflicts causes the separation.
most of the time, the flow of time and the path of our lives bring us away from each other.
As much I can, I do try to put in effort to keep in contact with these people.
But it is tiring.
Especially when it seems like you're the only one who is trying.
Sometimes they are just too busy with their own lives.
Sometimes you just cannot fit into their new lifestyle and even their new group of friends.
and sometimes they just totally ignore you for some reason...

*cibai! i just realise my hp spoil. cannot charge. or mayb the charger spoil!!! argh!*

however I don't really care.
like I've said.
friends come and go in your life.
I am a skeptic when it comes to forever.
even those who have been in my life for a long while, I don't expect them to stay forever.
I would be happy to have them in my life forever,
but I don't hope for them to stay forever.
one thing I know is that I love making new friends.
and at this stage in my life I am very happy with my social circle of friends.

after a few weeks of not talking to amir,
I decided to call him coz i really miss him.
and since I am free tml, we're having lunch!
yippeee!!!
anyway, I told him about how I am somehow happier now with my school laugh.
I am happy that I do take pride in my work.
I am happy that I am trying harder.
I am happy that I am making new friends from my own course.
I am happy that I am no more isolated from the people from my own course.
I am happy that I put in effort to finish my tutorials and my reports on time.
I am happy that I am studying for my test.
I am happy that now I am trying to score well in tests instead of just trying to pass.
so far I am really contented with what I am doing.
oh well talking to amir never fails to make me smile and life.
the conversation we had just now really make me feel good about myself.
=) =) =)

speaking of feeling good,
I am addicted to the song from jason mraz- I'm yours.

one day, i really want to have a whole week of doing watever they are doing in the video.
watching the video makes me feel even better and more relax.
anyway below is the lyrics to the song.
very meaningful.

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family ([2nd time:] ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

pening lalat....

2008-05-13T22:34:00.004+08:00

Its been awhile since i blog properly.
So I shall squeeze a blog entry in my very busy schedule (mcm paham!)
I'm having this headache every since this morning.
No its not coz I have insufficient sleep, but I think i OVER sleep.
I slept at 7.30pm and woke up at 8.30am this morning.
13 HOURS of sleep!!!
baik ke perr!

this morning I vacuum and mop the house before i went to school (see harvish, I do housework ok!)
I dunno why suddenly I feel so cold with this headache, thus I decided to wear my newly-bought adidas jacket.
when i reach school, I get bombarded by
"maya kau GILA eh panas2 pakai jacket?!?!"
"mak ai sejuk sey sekarang" (SARCASM!)
"maya do you have some kind of a skin disease?"
"one word: CRAZY"
oh well... only when they felt my fingers do hey believe that I AM feelin cold.
maybe I might be down with fever and flu...
wahhh best... dah lama tak sakit seyyy... hehe.

anyway, tml i decided not to follow Fatheha to her modeling session at her cousin's bridal company even though i was lookin forward to it since 2 weeks back.
I was hoping to get free make-up makeover from her cousin.
(i shall leave those lovebirds alone...)
unfortunately, I have this test on thursday which I have yet to finish studying.
nowadays it seems like I am more concern towards my school work at upcoming test.
I even bothered to do some revision during the weekends.
This is so unlike me from previous semesters.
I guess this is a good thing that I am trying hard to get my diploma asap.
After that talk about future, work and money with Mr Singh in the mrt, it somehow motivates me to work harder for a better life.
Some of us are not as lucky as others where they are born with silver spoon in their mouth, or they have very good contacts, or they're just simply lucky in getting the best deals in life, without even trying....
when will it be my turn... my turn to shine, my turn to taste the success that life can offer...
oh well, i shall go to sleep now... tml my lesson at 8am!!!!!!!!!!
haiz who the hell have lesson at 8am?!?!?!?

babe amcm? jadi tak? made of honor on the 23rd???

give me my love story to tell....

Once upon in May.... we all laugh and laugh and laugh.

2008-05-11T00:40:00.001+08:00

A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
-Roger Rabbit

This heart of mine....

2008-05-06T22:34:00.002+08:00

I hate this heart of mine.
I want to be a good person.
To be a good person, it must start from the heart.
It doesn't matter what you do or say, coz if the heart is bad, then the whole being is bad.

I know I should be happy and proud and I really am.
But this ugly heart of mine starts seeping out negative feelings like blood oozing out from a wound.
I am angry and jealous at the same time.
Oh God, why must we feel emotions.
If this is how I feel, then i rather be numb and not feel at all.
I rather be blessed with the heart of rock.
I feel this way coz of the things and people others have in their life while mine is void of all that.
I shall not explain the story why I feel this way... coz it is rather pathetic.
I am pathetic.
I have a sad and pathetic life.
oh, I am a bad person.
Now I am sad coz I realise I'm a bad bad human being.

The only business of the head in the world is to bow a ceaseless obedience to the heart.
William Butler Yeats

or not.

21st birthday for her....

2008-05-04T20:28:00.004+08:00

first and foremost...

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY NUR FATHEHA!!!!!!!
hope you like the adidas chelsea jersey i gave you...
well by the way you scream when you open the present, i suppose you really love it.
hehe.
i knew it.
now with "08" and "Lampard" printed on the back, it would be perfect right? hehe.

anyway that was yesterday.
we celebrated her birthday with both of our families and Mummy Ogy and Mamu Razak at vivo city with her dad treating us at Swensens.

and when the food came, it was an awful sight.
be prepared...

my mom said, "ish kalau aku advertise gambar ni kat org, takde org nk kahwin korang tau!"
hehe.
laaa... we dun care asalkan we all very happy, right babe?!

anyway after the huge meal and the delightful dessert, we could barely walk.
but we manage to crawl all the way to the roof top and hide from the parents to do what we love to do best...
its called "asap-ing"!!

after that was CAM-WHORING time!!!

this photo below, we were trying to take a jump-in-the-air shot but we failed miserably...

then we tried another pose by placing the camera in the bushes (kononnya artistic la kan...)
but my face always kena block by the leaf sey...

then we decided that creative photography aint our thing, so we decided to just walk around vivo... buying presents, eating sushi and cam-whore again!

our childhood dream: TRAVEL THE WORLD IN 79 DAYS BY SHIP!

amcm? ader harapan jadi captain tak? hehehe.

overall it was a fun day for me.
i hope it was a fantabulous day for the birthday girl with all the food, presents, cam-whoring and lets not forget the ciggies...
its fun because of us...

p/s: u sure cant wait for this wednesday rite.... hehehe.
have a ~~romantic~~ fun time with him k...

May Day

2008-05-01T21:08:00.002+08:00

Honestly, I do not know the significance of May day.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss, mostly I'm just plain lazy.
But a holiday is a holiday.
Who cares what is it for right?

Anyway my parents and I went to catch the movie Iron Man at Lido after having Ayam Penyet at Lucky Plaza.
I wasn't that enthusiastic to watch it coz the hero guy is old and boring.
But after the movie, I guess it was alright.
A few very witty and funny lines.
The funny relationship of Tony Stark and his robots makes everyone laugh.
And finally, the Iron Man himself is damn cool.
The metal armor has awesomely cool colour, red and gold.
and.... well that's about it.
the action scenes are just average.
i think the only strong point of this movie is just the witty scripts.
But I cannot wait for THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIA!!!
hehehehe.

oh ya... after the movie, I wasnt in such a great mood.
Suddenly I start worrying about money, school work and stuffs and my parents seemed to be getting on my nerves...
When we were walking into the adidas boutique at pacific tower, my mom started picking out things... expensive things she wants for mother's day and her birthday this month.
Then suddenly when I was browsing through a rack of jackets, I pulled out this black jacket which is so perfect for me.
Its very simple black jacket, with red zip and lining, but if you look closer there is so much more small designs in glossy black.
And then I went, "abahhh.... maya nakkk!"
Thought he would say, "amik ah, abah bayar."
but no such luck.
he asked me to use my GST offset money plus my tuition money.
bleargh.
I couldnt put the jacket down, so i decided to just buy it.
yippeee!
now i wish everyday would rain so i can wear it everyday!
eh got hoodie also you know. hahaha.
I am so sex-cited! (wth?!)

anyway tml, for the 1st tyme in my whole poly years, i have a night class till 8pm.
wth!
its friday for goodness sake!
Its MDID lecture to replace the one missed today. urgh!

i need to smoke.

budak bergedil

2008-04-30T22:23:00.003+08:00

aku kenyang la sey...
mentang2 nyari dua org ckp aku dah lose weight... fuyooh makan tak maintain lah dok.
aku betul2 tak pikir aku lose weight langsung sey (sumpah bukan humble).
abih kan pagi2 aku makan pancake! sedap seyyy.
lamaaa tak makan pancake.
ingatkan nak diet la kann... tapi si harvish tu ah ajak aku breakfast ngan dier.
abih2 lepas skola kan, mak BAPAK ~~KAU~~ aku dtg ang mo kio nak makan dekat kedai mee soto yg selalu kiter orang makan tyme tgl kat amk and bishan biler aku kecik2 lagi.
alah kedai mee soto nyer bapak tiri hadi mirza...
aku tanya ibu, "Ibu nak pegi mana?"
abih kan ibu jawab, "Bapak kau nak meminang Hadi Mirza untuk kau!"
aku pun aper lagi, "yes ah! biler boleh kahwin???"
wakakaka. tak tau malu la sey!
anyway, biler tyme order makan kan, bapak aku kacau bapak tiri hadi.
mmg nyer bapak aku kenal la si bapak tirinye hadi pasal kiter dulu selalu makan sana.
abih kan bila si bapak tiri nye hadi tgk aku, dier kater "eh ni anaknye eh? yg bergedil tu eh?"
MAMPOSS!
dier ingat la sey, tyme aku kecik2 dier panggil aku 'bergedil' pasal everytyme kiter makan sana, aku selalu order 3 bergedil, makan gitu aje.
laaaa sampai sekarang sey aku fav makan bergedil.
and also pasal tt tyme pipi aku pun tembam macam bergedil.
laaaa dah tak dapat kahwin ngan hadi mirza pasal nanti customer semua takde bergedil nk makan ngan mee soto pasal aku dah habis kan.
aku ingatkan ader chance nk kahwin ngan hadi mirza...
cis bedebar betul!!!!!
MACAM PAHAMM LA KANNN!
anyway, bapak aku order satay, rojak india,
dan fav aku, mee hoon soto tambah babat and bergedil dgn byk2 cili.
fuyoooh sodap dok! power la sey.
makan sampai berpeluh2.
lepas tu kan.... kiter-orang (bukan kiter-binatang) naik bas 166 pegi vivo city.
mak aiii! pantat aku sampai bercendawan tau duduk dalam bas satu jam lebih!
ni ah hobby mak bapak aku naik bas.
kiter dah sampai vivo je, cari toilet. nak terkucil!
hahaha amik kau!
abih kan... bapak aku ajak kiter org makan cake kat secret recipe.
makan white chocolate macadamia cake seorang satu la seyy...
tapi kan kan kan.... aku yg kena bayar... ciss!
dah la aku maha broke.
haiz... sungguh sedih.
after satu hari makan besar... sekarang perut mcm nak terburai... ish ish ish...
k lah. sebelum aku go, aku nk korang pikir...

muka aku ni mcm bergedil ke???

freeeeeeeee.

2008-04-27T20:22:00.002+08:00

aku takde kelas besok.
semua e lessons.
baik ah.

~~besok aku kol fiza ajak kluar ah. dah lama sey tak jumpe dier.~~

aku akan catch up on my assignments and blajar kat library la.

hehe.

True Friend

2008-04-26T16:09:00.004+08:00

About thirteen years ago I, I was accepted in Guangyang Primary School.
I was the fat kid that everyone hated.
I was left out from a lot of activities that kids do before school, during recess time and after school.
I always wanted to be a prefect back then, but there was no support from any of my classmates.
I wasn't a total loner.
I had a few friends but they were the kinds who came and went.
I was quite smart back then and that is why, I believe, kids befriended me.
They came and borrowed my homework and copied my test papers during exams and for awhile I had the luxury of their friendships.
And then suddenly, they backstabbed me and made others dislike me.
There was this one girl who made my life back then a living hell.
She love bitching about me and thus made all my "friends" leave me.
That bitch was called Diana Rahmat.
However, there was this one girl who never left my side.
She was this quiet skinny girl who loves playing with my long hair during class when she was sitting behind me.
She often accompany me eat during recess and invited me to play hopscotch with her friends beside the school garden.
Even though she left during halfway through Primary 4, she was and still is my bestfriend.
Somehow our parents got close too and we were like families, closer than our own relative.
We know each other inside out.
Nothing was a secret between us.
Back then I was the bossy one.
Usual things have to go my way.
Even though I was fat, I had nice big pair of eyes and I was very cute thus I get more pretty compliments than her.
I was also always smarter than she was.
I aced every math tests while she never seem to be able to pass them.
Her mom always nag at her to be as smart and studious as i was.
I know that irritates her but she never showed it.
I never help her feel better coz I love boasting my grades to everyone I meet.
Since I was the smart one, her mom somehow trust me more than her own daughter.
Even during secondary school, her mom only allow her to go out with me and not her friends.
Come to think of it, under the circumstances she faced during her childhood and her teenage years, i aint better than Diana Rahmat.

Now that I am able to think better, I wished I could take all that away.
I wished that she was as smart as i was.
I wish that she never felt that I overshadow her at all.
But I guess God has his ways with all of us.

Its funny how true when people say, "What goes around, comes around."

Now things have changed.
In my perspective, she the one overshadowing me.
From that quiet skinny girl, now she has blossomed into a beautiful lady.
She has almost flawless skin and those deep dimples which never fails to attract people from the opposite sex whenever she smiles.
She always get compliments from everyone about how beautiful she is and she's always in the limelight.
She is working now, earning her own money.
Therefore, to the parents, she is the one who is more adult than i am.
She is able to do more adult "stuffs" which I cant since I'm still schooling.
Since she's the eldest daughter, she has to do housework, take care of her siblings and work at the same time.
Thus, she's always seen as the more responsible one.
Now my dad trust me more whenever I go out with her, rather than when I'm with my friends.
She has also learnt to say "No" to me whenever she feels like she doesn't want to do it my way.
Unlike last time, now she knows how to stand up for herself and for her own principles and beliefs.
She has gone along way since that quiet skinny girl and I am proud of her.
Despite whatever I said, I am really happy for her and I truly love her as she's the only bestfriend and sister who's there for me whenever I really need her.

I don't know what is the point I am trying to make here.
I just wanted to let this out.
No hard feelings whatsoever.

Ok back to my assignments.

True wealth can not be found in your bank account. It can only be found in those you call friend. Those with whom you share your deepest feelings. And those who accept you for who you really are. -Mary Vandergrift

On a Saturday Morning...

2008-04-26T10:49:00.004+08:00

Woke up on a Saturday morning to the parents yelling at me
to wake up and start doing housework.
I hate Saturday mornings like this.
Thank God they decided to go out early.
More peace for me at home... doing housework.
yea whatever.

Since the last entry, nothing much happened.
BFF Fatheha passed her BTT on Thursday.
I was so happy for her.
I skipped school the whole day just to accompany her.
Met her at 8.30am at Gombak.
8.55-9.40am we did the BTP together.
9.50-10.40am i waited alone at BBDC while she did her BTP again.
11.40-12.15pm i waited for her again to do her BTT.
ini nama dia genuine sister love. =)
My BTT is in 23rd May! So long long away...
Honestly I'm very confident of scoring 100% in it.
But i shall not be over-confident.
WIsh me luck.

Actually I got nothing more to say...
My school work is piling up and I have to clear them by this weekend.
weee. so fun. *roll eyes*
Fatheha asked me,
"How come suddenly you're now so busy ah? So many things to do?"
My answer,
"I always have so many things to do. But i never bothered doing them.
Now I am a changed person..."

A Mix of Nutty Professor and Shrek

2008-04-23T22:23:00.004+08:00

(shall explain the title of this entry later)
It has been forever since I last blogged.
Yet again I needed that break from blogging to de-clog my mind (macam paham).
After that last entry, it may seem that I really was diagnosed with OCD and got admitted to IMH forever where there was no luxury of computer and internet (is there?).
But no.
I am back.
One of the reasons is obviously because I miss blogging.
Secondly is because I found out that my blog was read by a couple of the most unlikely people who reads blogs, what more MY blog.
=)

So much has happened since... i don't remember when. But I shall not dwell on the past and just blog on whatever that is happening in the present.
One important thing i have to say out loud is:
I PASSED MY REPEAT MODULE AND I AM BACK TO SCHOOL!!!

Yup.
Now that we get that over with...

I am here to defend myself.
Something happened today that, at first, made me feel like I was BITCH.
but I realise any other girl would done the same thing.
I got to know this guy from Friendster
(which I swore to myself that I will never do again, i am so over the "boleh kenal2" period. so do not msg me over friendster/facebook like that as I will NOT LAYAN ANYMORE)
He used that too-damn-common pick up line "Hi bleh kenal2?"
I figured why not right? (STUPID MOVE NO.1)
Then of course I checked out his photos.
The photos I saw over his profile was "ok".
His looks appear below average, big sized, cute round guy...
but who am I to complain.
Its VERY obviously that I am not even close to pretty/sexy (but I do like to think of myself as average looKing. a fat girl got to have a little bit of confidence right...?)
So... I thought why don't I give him my number...
Conversing through Friendster is so tedious. (STUPID MOVE NO.2, there will be more...)
So for the past week, I have been getting to know this guy through smses and phone calls.
During the night, he will call me using his house phone, but we rarely talk at night because I sleep kinda early compare to the 1am calls he used to make to me.
During the day, he will ask me to call him using my Hp as he has free-incoming.
the fucker is a cheapskate!
But I figured, even though he's working, he might be saving up to pay his debt, etc etc.
So I called him most of the time. (STUPID MOVE NO.3)
Then today he wanted to meet me.
I agreed. (STUPID MOVE NO.4)
He actually asked me to travel all the way to bugis to his workplace to meet him.
But I refused and ask him to meet me at Yio Chu Kang mrt since he so badly want to meet me.
(NOT SO STUPID THIS TIME! hehe!)
So this afternoon, I left my bag with Saiful and Farah at the alley and go meet him at the mrt and bring him over to the alley.
Saiful as usual damn kpo want to see how this guy look like.
Zul and Firdaus aka Mawi walked with me to the mrt since they're going home anyway.
Zul and Mawi waited with me until that dude came as Zul want to action make the guy abit intimidated (hah! look who is intimidated now!).
When that guy aka Juju (fucked up name sak!) reached, Mawi say "alamak! kiter dah takleh tolong kau lah!" and left.
I turned around and saw this HUGE guy walking towards me! As he got closer, he look bigger, scarier and uglier.
I know this sounds mean, but when he was in front of me, he was damn HUMUNGOUS (bigger than Harvish), freaking scary and fugly, thus the title of this entry
"A Mix of Nutty Professor and Shrek"
I really should have just ran away, I swear it was that bad.
I think his photos in Friendster was all from primary or secondary school!!!
But I decided to be nice and go talk to him for awhile.
He could be a REALLY nice guy. (STUPID MOVE NO...? ok i lost count. wadever!)
He has this weird scary voice while trying to talk to me.
It was like a monster trying to act romantic and sweet.
PREPARE TO GROSS YOURSELF OUT!
I was at that time perspiring badly coz i was so ~~scared~~ nervous.
Apparently he was sweating too.
He was holding a towel wiping his sweat when SUDDENLY...
he used that same towel and try to wipe my sweaty forehead!!!!
MAJOR EEEEEW MOMENT!!!!
of course i manage to save my forehead from his disgusting juju'sweat-soaked towel.
EEEEW!!!
then slowly he tried to pull me closer to him and say
"you sini la you..."
I said no.
He pulled again.
I said no.
He pulled again.
so i freaked out.
THIS IS THE PART WHERE I WAS A BASTARD/BITCH.
I called up Farah and started that
"OMG FARAH! WHAT'S WRONG? ARE YOU OK? YOU WANT ME TO FOLLOW YOU GO HOUGANG FOR WAT? EMERGENCY? AH OK OK. I COME. YOU DONT DO ANYTHING FOOLISH TAU. I COME STRAIGHT AWAY!!!" thing.
I apologised and i left him there at the mrt.

like I said, I felt damn bad at first.
even Saiful kutuk me coz I bastard this dude coz of his looks.
well... i admit that was partly true.
BUT his actions were like grossing me out!
and anyway just because I am fat and I dont really attract guys,
that does not mean that I am desperate and accept craps like juju right?
I also have standard sey.
I am not asking for drop-dead gorgeous.
I am just asking for simple, average, NORMAL, HYGIENIC guy.
But I guess I am expecting too much.
All I got so far is horny, fugly, horny, jerks, bastard, two-timing, horny, egoistic guys.
eeeew!
So this is it. I have had it.
No more guys.
Period.

p/s: eye candy won't hurt.....

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

2008-01-18T20:35:00.000+08:00

seriously i think i have a certain (minimal) degree of OCD.
i know its not something to be proud of and definitely not something one should admit on her blog.
but yea wth.

i realise that i always have this voice that keeps talking to me in my brain wherever i go.
wherever i go, and whoever i see, this tiny voice will say,
"what are you looking at?"
"is she looking at me?"
"what is he thinking when he look at me?"
"are they laughing at me?"
"are they sniggering at me?"
"am i the topic of their conversation?"
"does he thinks i'm cute?"
"hell no! he thinks i'm ugly"
.......
...
..

well this doesnt happen always la.
but it happen often enough that it kinda worries me.
so to stop all this thoughts i choose to close my eyes and doze of whenever i'm in the mrt or bus.

i think i'm just PMS-ing.

watever.

apa nak jadi?

2008-01-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

aku dapat balik results common test aku.
2 D+ and 3 F.
padahal aku blajar sey.
entah la.
otak ini bagaikan hilang cahaya kebijaksanaan aku.
macam dah ku tak mampu belajar lagi.
aku harus tabahkan hati dan minda ku untuk habiskan diploma ku ini.
semoga aku dapat kerja yg tetap dgn diploma ku ini.
salah satu sebab aku tidak putus asa adalah kerana aku tak sanggup jadi sampah masyarakat.
aku tak sanggup kerja "odd jobs" yg gajinya tak seberapa.
aku harus membiayai kehidupan kedua ibu bapa ku.
universiti?
entah lah.
kalau aku mampu kewangannya dah sanggup belajar lagi, mungkin aku akan menjejak kaki ke sana.
buat sementara ini, biarlah aku fikirkan peperiksaan yg akan datang pada bulan depan.
ku tidak mahu dibuang sekolah.

ya Allah. tabahkan hatiku. kembalikanlah semangat ku. arahkan aku dijalan yg benar.
amin.

you cant stop me

2008-01-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

i am determine to be happy today. nothing can ruin my day.

i got class at 9am-11am but i woke up at 11.30am. (wow! i rarely wake up this late)

i wore the new purple Alice crocs shoes to school. daddy bought it for me from vivo. he was nagging at first coz it cost $58.80 but he bought it for me anyway. hee! so pwetty n cute. i loike. its very comfy la. but since its shaped for slim fit feet, and my foot is very broad, i get blisters on the side of my feet due to the back of the button which keep on rubbing on my feet as i walk. ouch! i hate my feet!

i came to skool to do my assignments at the library but i end up meeting irah at the alley, lepak and then accompany her to go threading at vista pt.

otw to yck mrt i bumped into my classmates and javier asked me,
"eh maya y u nv go bioprocess tech practical quiz today?"
"huh today got mehz?"
"yaaaa...."
"aiyoh i forgot la. heck ah. "

fiza got her tongue pierced and i am so tempted to do it but i cant coz i am such a coward to the pain and my dad will kill me. compare to a tattoo, pierced tongue is impossible to hide. so instead i got my left ear pierced again which i didnt plan at all to do. damn impromtu sak. irah and i were in the x-craft shop at causeway pt. she wanted to buy ear studs when she asked the salesperson,
"eh here can do ear piercing ah?"
"can."
"how much?"
"3 dollars per piercing"
"ohhh"
den i was like, "eh i wanna do ah. irah u also pierce k?"
"tak nk la. i got 3 on both ears liao."
"la tak J ah kau. kater sister lurpe"
"tak nk ah."
"ish ok ah aku je pierce"
n so i did.
it kinda sting coz my ear is very fleshy so quite painful ah. hahaha. i loike!

i came back home to find my parents in the middle of a heated argument. they always quarrel nowadays. the last time i was so affected, i cried so hard. den the next day my parents made up and pretended as if nothing happened. wth! i cried for nothing. so today i just ignored them totally. when they asked for my opinion, i just say i dun wanna get involve and continue to do my own stuff. surely tml will be better coz this nv prolong for more than one day. sometimes old ppl just get too sensitive and emotional. marriage is so sweet and nice at the beginning but it takes alot of effort as the years so by. I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED. but i want babies... lots of babiesss....

i am having Haagen Daz macadamia brittle now. daddy bought for me. how sweet. hee.
my tonsils is swelling and its painful sey... but i dun care. its been 84729346276238046038246 days since i had Haagen Daz.

i need to cut down on my carcinogen sticks. i think my tonsils have pus coz yesterday i checked under my dad's hp camera light, got yellow stuff at the side of my right tonsils. omg! so scary. i dun want to surgically remove my tonsils! i so need to quit. (everytime my i got throat problems, i always say i wanna quit. wen it recover, i start smoking again. wth!)

anyway i am in love with christina aguilera's new song. so nice... if i were a guy, i want to marry her sey... btw she just gave birth to a baby boy named max. n her hubby so ugly. god bless the baby boy so that he can have the good looks from mummy christina.

save me from myself

lyrics:

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
From myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Well some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself
From myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you

It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

*i wish that one day, there will be that special someone whom i can sing this song to....

anyway below is the photos nisa and me took after sakae-ing last fri.

this is the 18 out of the 20 plates we both eat. if it was a buffet, i bet we could have eaten more!!!

lets count together... yea yea yea...

bagaikan melukut di tepi gantang

2008-01-10T22:53:00.000+08:00

i didnt go for my duty at the NYP open house coz i think its a waste of time.
i went to become an extra on the set of KERANA FATEHA from suria. i went wit fiza, nel, nel's sister and nel's fren. it was ok la. just plainly sitting around n pretend to be a customer at the eating place. it was so last min n i was damn shabby can! minimal make up n my dad's black shirt. wth! if only i knew earlier.... i shall not comment on the actresses there. nurul was frenly and so was the director and tt sound man... so funny ah the jokes he cracked. anyway trust me ppl being n actor/actress is not all easy n glamorous as it seems. so many takes and lines which they have to repeat again n again not because there was mistakes but also coz they have to take at many diff angles. den end up everytime they repeat, the same lines have different expressions, the lines were changed abit n all sort la. so funnny....

anyway me n him is dunzo. coz apparently he got someone else pregs n have to be responsible for it. dunno whether its true or just an excuse he came up wit to end our "relationship". but watever it really is, it doesnt matter coz he likes tt girl n not me. thank god i dun have deep feelings for him thus i am not emotionally hurt but my dignity is bruised abit coz of wat we have done. but yea watever.

why cant guy just break up with us and tell us that they just dont like us and admit that they are jerks rather then making up stories and make it look as if they r the victims.

n today not, i am not the only one who feel like killing men, my close girlfren found out tt her recent bf is engaged to another girl for already a year plus. and she and the fiance had a friendly confrontation and they both decided to destroy the guy. wakaka. its sad n she cried not becoz she was cheated but becoz the fiance was together with him for about 5 yrs n she was not the 1st girl he cheated her with... its must be damn painful for the fiance to forgive n forgive and forgive but he nv change... damn.

y cant guys just stay loyal to one girl. i mean sg is so blardy small... sooner or later ur scandal or flings will be known by ur gfs. this is maha foolish u know! aiyoh...

haiz... i just wish there is that one guy out there... he dont have to be perfect... he dont have to me gorgeous and handsome... he dont have to be rich... he just have to love me...

maya a.k.a notorious P.I.G

2008-01-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

aku notorious? kau biar betik? seumur hidup aku... ini yang pertama....

after one of those project meeting which ended late evening, amir and me had a long walk from NYP block E to yio chu kang mrt via the back gate, and took the train together. he as usual wanted to talk to me and advice me about how i am behind my school work, how i am not helping myself even though he is trying my best to help me, how he is the last person in class who still cares about me... yada yada yada... bla bla bla.... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

*yawn*

yada bla bla yada yadaa bla bla....

ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZzzz
droooooooooLzzzZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

SITI NORMAYA BINTE ABDUL RAHMAN!

oh hi! where was i again???

oh ya... anyway i love to ask him about gossips about me circulating around my class and even other classes about me. i do not know why but i seems to enjoy to hear people gossiping about me, be it good or bad. it is often that he always "report" to me about the words about me from other students' mouth but never once from a teacher. then suddenly he said:

"you know on that day i was consulting michael (one of my lecturers) regarding protein tech project and i told him you cannot come...
then michael said, "oh! that maya... sometimes she's here, sometimes she disappear".

and then amir said:
"when i met Anand (another lecturer) he ask about your well being... but before i could answer hendro cut in and asked a question (so typical of hendro. mayb topic abt me is so insignificant compare to his question about how many letters are there gonna be exactly in our test paper?)"

i was like: "hahaha sure anot. i am rarely in school, i bet some of the teachers do not even know me at all, what more talk bout me."

he said: "maya! EVERY LECTURER KNOWS YOU! YOU'RE KNOWN AS BEING NOTORIOUS"

i almost choked on my own saliva! LOL! MAYA=NOTORIOUS?
oh well i do admit my "interest" in school makes me appear as an unfavourable student.... but noone called me notorious before!
mcm besar gitu dapat panggil notorious. macam NOTORIOUS B.I.G. BUT AKU NI MORE OF NOTORIOUS P.I.G. lah.

back in secondary school, noone can imagine maya being notorious as i have never played truant or got myself into detention. and now, i have gone far from who i was back then... not that it is a very good thing though.

oh well this notorious girl is killing trying to get back on track and its fucking hard to catch up. projects, reports, overdue work, vietnam yep meetings and preparations and exams. i am over burdening myself aren't i? this is too much. can i make it through? i feel like quitting but i don't want to be a quitter.
1.13am: doing my biostatistic project alone when its suppose to be done in pairs
have to do 3 reports, 2 project research and the above by tml.

somebody kill me.

2008 is here

2007-12-31T22:04:00.000+08:00

*alone on the night of NEW YEAR'S EVE

parents out to vivo while the daughter at home.
facebook, frenster, blogging, uploading fotos, new years greetings, tv, bulletins.
yea tt pretty much sums up tonite.

oh well 2007 was the most difficult year of my life.
the pain, the struggles and the rebels.
- my almost surgically removed tonsils
- parents found out abt my smoking, clubbing and drinking habits
- got my hair cut by the dad (he was no hairstylist so u can guess how bad it was)
- i ran away from home
- i came back in 3 days time
- i was introduced into Venture Era (VE)
- a whole lot of screaming and shouting btwn me and dad due to this VE job
- was in a huge debt due to VE (still not settled)
- the end of 2 close friendship
- that guy who didnt show up for the 1st date
- got almost drunk on a bottle of wine due to the above (i know it was stoopid)
- went to a practical lab class tipsy after the above
- failed 4 yr 2 sem 1 modules
- cannot take 2 yr 2 sem 2 modules
- the fact that i have to repeat one semester or more in NYP
-etc (if i have to continue i'll kill myself. hah!)

but there r some sweet memories..
- i met alot of new friends
- dxo for the 1st time
- sheesha for the 1st time
- tipsy for the 1st time =p
- a few dates *winks*
- got selected to go vietnam
- met the great yep team!

- and finally that kiss on the last day of 2007 which didnt mean a thing but kinda made my day.
*teman tapi mesra yaaa?*

i know i should like put in my new year resolutions but guess wat? as always i procrasinate and have not made them up yet... i mean seriously. its like something i do coz everyone else is doing but honestly i dont keep track of them wat more work for them. but you know wat, i shall do it. not now but later. why? coz everyone else is.

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!
HOPE 2008 BRINGS JOY AND HAPPINESS TO YOU AND MYSELF.

YEP camp

2007-12-22T13:33:00.000+08:00

its been 3 days since the camp.
i have to admit i am starting to miss the babes and guys already.
i really think that the camp has serve its purpose of making individuals into one team.
my favourite game was the majoria and minoria.
this games is about pretending to be two countries trying to come to and agreement about a problem.
majoria is a country like america which is trying to help to built a university in minoria.
minoria is a 3rd world country which just came out of a civil war which is lead by the "MOST HOLY LADY PRESIDENT".
the problem is even though majoria is helping minoria, minoria is a country rich in culture and is very proud of its culture.
thus its hard to negotiate with the minoria as minoria is very suspicious of foreigners and will do anything to protect its country.
furthermore the minoria mostly do not speak english.
mamposs!!! amik korang!
at first i though it was one of those easy and petty games which i admit that i didnt really took it seriously.
but then things got serious and tense.
i was in the minoria team.
i was definitely surprise when i got to know that the majoria was intimidated by the minoria esp by the minoria lady president which is played by none other than yours truly.
its bad enough i am huge, but i have to act all heroic, holy-like and intimidating.
i so pity sarah.
you should see her face turn from natural pink to red when the president ask to speak to her instead of the male representative.
her face was bout to explode when ashraf aka the military man threaten her using a weapon (aka a clothes hanger)! hahaha.
i am so sorry babe!
in the end the problem was solve and both country came to an agreement after a long time of negotiation. apparently in this game there is only a 40% success rate and we were successful!
enough if that.

i just cannot wait to go to vietnam with the team.
i hope its gonna be much fun and work at the same time.
but there is still alot to be done before the trip and i hope there is enough time for us to finish our preparations.
below r some fotos taken during the camp! enjoy!

Seharusnya aku cerminkan diri ku

2007-12-12T19:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes you cannot help falling in love.
all of a sudden you realize that your heart starts to beat faster, your palm gets all clammy and you feel conscious with everything you do in his presence.
but i swear i did not ask for it.
sometimes the cupid can be a bitch for shooting the arrow at the wrong person.
he is not even very good looking.
but its his characteristics and personality.
the words that come from his heart, that's what i fell for.
kerana budi ku jatuh hati, aku tak mengerti ianya terjadi
but i did not act on my feelings. i never did.
i am too self conscious to flirt with him.
instead i approach this situation in a different manner.
i tried to be his friend.
i swear i ask nothing more than just friendship coz i know i'm not his type and i'm not good enough.
i just want to be treated like one of his close girl friends.
but then my steps was wrongly read by him.
he gets uncomfortable.
he gets scared of me.
then he decided to block me.
according to her, this was cerita lama. its just that i found out two days ago.
all this while he knew i "like" him.
"aku tak nak kasi dier harapan" was wat he said.
all this while i was blind.
she told me everything he said to her last night.
blood gushing to my face.
hell i am not blushing.
i am fucking embarassed.
i thought acting "normal" would make this better for us, make us normal friends.
raya outing? we coincidently wore the same colour baju raya. irah's house? i acted normal. but somehow it was different. like there is a barrier. but i did not know why. and i did not though he knew about my feelings.
but now i know.
oh my god. so embarassing. i cannot face him anymore.
now its awkward beyond control.

wanna know what's unfair? i bet if i was normal, if i am not blardy fat, maybe he wouldn't have reacted so harshly towards me. even if he does not have mutual feelings for me, he would just brush it off and just layan me as a friend. but the truth is i am not.

silly silly me.

Exist-
Siapalah ku ini
Untuk memintal buih yang memutih

Menjadi permaidani Seperti mana

Yang tertulis dalam novel cinta

Juga mustahil bagi ku
Menggapai bintang di langit

Menjadikan hantaran Syarat

Untuk memiliki mu Semua itu

Sungguhnya aku tak termampu

Silap aku juga

Kerana jatuh cinta
Insan seperti mu

Seanggun bidadari

Seharusnya aku cerminkan diri ku
Sebelum tirai kamar aku

buka untuk mengintai mu

man i feel your pain.

salt to my wound

2007-12-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

well guess wat?

icing to my cake.

i just found out he blocked me on msn!

serious shit!

wth did he do that for?

mayb he found out i fall for him n he finds that incredibly disgusting???

am i that repulsive?

haizzz... mayb i am...

what a perfect day for me!!!

Life's a bitch.

2007-12-10T20:07:00.000+08:00

i haven been blogging for a long while not because there is nothing happening in life... but because its fucking depressing. i just want it to stop. now i feel so fucking detached from the world without my hp and my mp3!!! and now my vietnam trip is jeapardized!!! thx ahh...

you know what?
i blame you for everything.
i blame you for not trusting in me.
i blame you for all my lies.
i blame you for all this attitude.
i blame you for not doing well in life.
i blame you for my emotional scars.
i blame you for my low self esteem.
i blame you for the irresponsible me.
i blame you for my child-like mindset.
i blame you for my huge body.
i blame you for my suicidal thoughts.
i blame you for this depressing blog entry.

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

suddenly these look appealing to me.

*dun worry i'm too much a coward to kill myself.

Enchanted

2007-11-25T11:42:00.000+08:00

caught up with bestie fadiLLa yesterday. wanted to catch a Enchanted at vivo but it the queue was too long. so we ended up going jurong point to catch the 6.20pm show.

the movie was quite funny. i have to admit i decided to watch it solely coz of Mcdreamy (grey's anatomy). awww... his eyes....
back to the movie, the part which was very kiddy was so funny coz it was so stupid. i bet the kids was wondering wat the hell was so funny about the princess-to-be singing to animals to make them do housework for her. come to think of it ah... she could be the witch the witch kannn... she pakai ilmu hitam in disguise of her beautiful voice to bewitch the prince to fall in love with her and make the cute forest animals her slaves. wakakaka! merepek!!!
part yg paling bestkann... kat ball, music nk dekat start... abih this singer (kirakan cam org2 extra kat set tu la...) start singing, fad and me was like:
haiiiii.... *gigglez non-stop*
den fad say "kalau si prince ngan mcdreamy tak dapat, si deni pun jadi lah..."
its so kelakar coz our reaction was the same and as we laugh everyone kat cinema tu diam...
oh well u guys shud go watch it if nothing better to do la eh... quite kental ah cerite tu...

i wanna watch the golden compass.... anyone else wanna belanje me... coz maya this two mths kocek kering bangat!

after many shots again n again in bus 30 to jurong point, below is the foto we both look decent in. =P

love u babe! thx for the movie and the meal.
terima kasih ~~buah~~daun keladi, lain kali belanje lagi eh... hehehee

Saving my Face

2007-11-10T12:54:00.000+08:00

KT TUNSTALL
"Saving My Face"

See the look on my face
From staying too long in one place
But every time I try to leave
I find I keep on stalling
Feel like a big old stone
Standing by a strength of my own
But every time the morning breaks
I know I'm closer to falling

I'm all out of love, all out of faith
I would give everything just for a taste
Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, saving my face
Saving my face, saving my face
Saving my face.

Listening to what you say
Even though I look the other way
You could never understand the feeling
Of what I'm leaving

I'm all out of love, all out of faith
I would give everything just for a taste
Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, saving my face
Saving my face...

Whoa, ooh...

Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Baby I'll be everything I need
Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Baby I'll be everything I need
Leave it all to me
I will do the right thing
Do the right thing

I'm all out of love, all out of faith
I would give everything just for a taste
Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, I'm losing the best of me.

I'm all out of love, all out of faith
I would give everything just for a taste
Everything's here, all out of place
Losing my memory, saving my face
Saving my face...

Whoa, ooh..
************************************

Slapped

2007-11-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

the slap that comes from a true friend. babe i love you though.

after ranting to her about my pathetic academic status.

love.angel.music.baby says:
no la
love.angel.music.baby says:
but studies....
love.angel.music.baby says:
even if u dont go for lectures, u can do it at home what
love.angel.music.baby says:
if u really see the importance
love.angel.music.baby says:
like, i feel u really changed too
love.angel.music.baby says:
in terms of ur motivation
love.angel.music.baby says:
like in secondary sch, u were hardworking and all
love.angel.music.baby says:
and in jc, not too bad
love.angel.music.baby says:
and when u went to poly, i actually thought u would be even more hardworking after goin thru jc
love.angel.music.baby says:
but... dont know why u just let it slip like that
....
...
..
.
love.angel.music.baby says:
hmmm. it's not abt the smoking.
love.angel.music.baby says:
i smoke but i study too.
love.angel.music.baby says:
but u are just not motivated i dont know why
love.angel.music.baby says:
like u're not BOTHERED at all
....
...
..
.
love.angel.music.baby says:
i know ure gonna say im mean
©maya eloise ™Rimas says:
no i wont
love.angel.music.baby says:
but i really can understand why ur parents would be disappointed in u
©maya eloise ™Rimas says:
on a 2nd thought... yea...
©maya eloise ™Rimas says:
...
©maya eloise ™Rimas says:
wow.
....
...
..
.
love.angel.music.baby says:
i really have nothing against u smoking all these
love.angel.music.baby says:
cos' as u know, i'm not THAT conservative
love.angel.music.baby says:
but then
love.angel.music.baby says:
i feel u really lost ur priorities la
love.angel.music.baby says:
and for ur parents, it's not like u're rebelling and doing 'wrong' things when ur results are good
love.angel.music.baby says:
but results are not keeping up also
love.angel.music.baby says:
of course they'll think u have changed
....................................................*************..............................................
i didnt think i slipped tt far. but i did. into an endless black hole of nothing-ness. but yea i have changed. not for the better. not more mature. just taking life for granted. i am feeling sick now. like my stomach not able to digest the scrambled eggs i had just now. like i am to vomit it all out. like i have this huge stone thrown on top of my heart. like my lungs rejecting the oxygen i breathe in. like my my own warm shit thrown at my face. like my eyes stings with the burning tears. like my airways being blocked. like i dont deserve to live a second longer...

"but i really can understand why ur parents would be disappointed in u"

Ya Allah aper telah aku lakukan... Maafkan aku... Tunjukkan aku ke jalan yg benar. Amin.

Six Feet From The Edge

2007-11-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

i find comfort in music.

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
‘Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
Maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down

I'm so far down

back from cloud nine

2007-11-03T15:32:00.000+08:00

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku
yang kucari selama ini dalam hidupku
dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku
yang panjang dalam hidupku
hidupku...

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
woho...

ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

ku mencintaimu lebih dari apapun
meskipun tiada satu orangpun yang tahu
ku mencintaimu sedalam dalam hatiku
meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku
kekasih gelapku...

some are things in life are only entitled to certain people, while others just stare and drool at the privileged in awe and jealousy. for example, true love. or even just true companion(s) for that matter. everywhere i go, i see couples looking at each others' eyes, holding hands and cuddling each other. everywhere i go, i see friends laughing, joking and looking out for each other. and then there is me. truly alone. even when i'm with my friends. i feel as if i can trust nobody. as if people around me are putting up a friendly facade in front of me and then brutally backstabbing me when i'm not around. OCD? maybe coz this thought keeps coming to me and everytime i push it away, in denial. i don't blame them, mayb its just me. maybe its impossible to like me. impossible to like a a person with, and i quote from ahmad, "huge and limping with oily, viscuous fat and folds." oh maybe its not that. if it is then fat people in this world will be lonely, unemployed and pathetic. i mean look at Queen Latifah, she oozes out dignified sexiness and is adored by thousands. and look at... look at... erm... whoever is FAT and successful! so then it all comes back to me. my personality and character. my flaws. whatever i do never seems to be able to satisfy everyone or even anyone. i thought i was doing fine. being friends with everyone. i do know that not everyone likes me but what did i do to make some people brutally bitch about me behind me back. saying things which are so untrue about me and yet many might belief. i seriously don't mind people saying i'm "FAT AND UGLY" behind my back or even right at my face coz i will agree as it is true. but THIS, is unacceptable. why must people stereotype fat=pathetic=loser=unshameless flirting! please ah! i don't even dare to talk to the guys i have crush on what more flirt sak! why must everytime i am friendly or try to have a friendly conversation with guys, they mistake me for flirting with them. i mean seriously?!?!?!? and the worse part is that they say all this mean accusations about me in front of my friends (so i thought!)!!! and the worst thing, those people i expect to back me up, to defend me, just kept quiet and listen. what a cruel and brutal world.

or well this might not be true coz i heard it from someone else. but i just feel like ranting it out here.

i admit that i am a bit concern but i would like to think that i am not depress about it. right now the good thing that comes out of this is that it puts my two feet firmly back on earth. reality slaps me hard and make me realise that whatever i do, being fat is a social crime. i thought that if i dress better to look more presentable, people will better like me.

silly silly me.

look and listen please

2007-11-01T20:17:00.000+08:00

raya raya raya!

2007-10-31T20:28:00.000+08:00

this blog is like practically dead. but well i shall try to keep it alive. below are photos from Hari Raya 2007. i though it would be special coz my birthday happen to fall on the 1st day of raya but i was wrong. it was just like any other raya. i only got one birthday prezzie this year (pathetic) from ibu and abah which was a $290 Guess watch. my 1st non-babyGcasio watch! weee! the rest were raya+birthday money which honestly is the same amount i got any other year. i mean not that i am complaining ah. just that i expect something more special. oh well i was kinda disappointed too coz not only none of my friends gave me any prezzie (which doesnt really matter) but most of them kinda forgot my birthday totally. i dont blame them ah coz i understand they are busy with hari raya itself. oh well.

but other than tt i had a pretty fun raya with the nyp skodeng this yr though it was a short one for me. i hope its not too late: Selamat Hari Raya to all of my friends and whoever reading this. from the bottom of my heart Maaf Zahir Dan Batin.

school has start like 2.5 weeks ago. i really am working alot harder now then i did last sem coz i did very badly for my modules. mayb i have to even repeat like a sem! now tt the alley has less ppl hanging out, i am only there during my breaks. hope things turn out to be the better for me this sem.

today 31st oct, i told 2 more ppl the identity of the person i have a crush on. that makes 3 nyp-ian and 3 outside frenz. somehow i think its not a normal crush on a "hot" guy but i think i am really falling for this guy. oh well... just wish he notice me more even as a friend.

Something as simple as me hearing your name,
Put words in my head that I cant explain.
Back then, I wasn't really sure,
But now I see you are all I need and more.

I know we're only friends and it hurts so bad,
Because I know I'm a girl you don't wish to have.
My eyes glisten, I have butterflies flying,
Can you look at me, see how much I'm trying.

I sit and stare in your eyes, as you tell me again
Of how much you have fallen for my friend.
You leave me sad, yet I wish you'd stay,
In case I don't see you for the rest of the day.

You call me daily, asking how I am,
Inside I'm dying to say I want you as my man.
I'm not sure, exactly how long I can take,
Before my heart shatters of waiting so late.

I want to say I love you, for you to understand,
That I can no longer see us being just friends.
I'm scared to tell you baby, I don't want you to go,
So deep inside I hide my emotions so they wont show.

Every love song I hear, your name pops in my head,
So easy to feel it, so hard to be said.
Your everything I need in a man to be,
If only one day, you would love me.

shit. i hate this feeling. at the same time i like thinking about him. but i become numb and silent when he's around, which i hope is not so obvious to the ppl around me coz i am usually bubbly and loud.

till next time peeps. love y'all.

2 and a big fat zero

2007-09-27T19:35:00.000+08:00

13th oct. cannot believe i'm gonna turn 20 this coming raya. 9-TEEN feels like only yesterday.
well there won't be a bash this year. nothing much except for time to spend with the loved ones. my soul yearns for something new. something challenging. something to work on. its been sometime since i last had a goal in life. going wit' the flo' no more. there are some things in life we have to work on now and some can wait for later in life. i need to set my priorities straight.

btw i wan to wish abg zuraimi a belated 21st bdae!
below are the few photos taken the day after his bdae at jurong point.

cakes@coffeebean (topleft:tiramisu, topright:chocolate of a thousand leaves, bottom:chicago cheesecake)

fad n zoo

did you make a wish?

birthday boy's million dollar smile

us

oh i received my 1st bdae gift from fad and i'm lovin' it! she knows i heart fragrances and she got me Gucci Envy Me mini bottle, body lotion and shower gel in a sweet pink box! thanks sweetheart. this definitely beats the rose i gave you.

the month Ramadhan won't be complete without a visit to the bazaar@geylang! was there last friday with the parents, cik lina, fatheha, mami ogy and mamu razak. had dinner at the pelangi court@city plaza. love the chicken chop there. i have never seen so many groups of mats and minahs. makes me wonder whether orchard road still exist. as usual it was packed but i simply love the atmosphere. only then i can feel "suasana hari raya".

dinner@pelangi, city plaza:

45.46.47. guess which age belongs to who!

mommy love and fatheha

jalan2 kat bazaar:

lampu raya!

this was taken on the middle of the road! madness!

i want lampu laplip tapi abah dun wan to buy for me! boohoo!

fatheha belikan kipas coz its too blardy humid. sempat posing sak!

camwhore while mommy love buy curtain for raya!

anyone want to accompany go for a swim or to the gym? i got a baju kebaya to look gorgeous in! n i am not gonna do so wit a bulging tummy!

sakae sushi wit badrun!

2007-09-19T14:57:00.000+08:00

HAPPINESS. what exactly defines it? joy? pleasure? good fortune? or simply contentment? satisfaction? gratefulness? seems very foreign to me somehow. i don't remember the last time i was really very happy, the last time i cannot stop smiling, the last time my heart felt weightless.
i am not happy. that much i know. but i guess happiness is not a essential of life. without happiness, one can still survive, though in much desolation and despair. as for me, what keeps me going, skimming through life is hope. hope for freedom, wealth, love and happiness in a better future.

putting that aside.

finally bought my heels at Charles and Keith. i think this is the highest heels i've got and i'm proud of that. hehe. not everyday i get to well heels. which reminds me of the pain and blisters that goes with it. damn!

its not like sensational but i like the simplicity of it. whaddya think?

i had a good lunch and catching up at sakae sushi with nisa a couple days back. its really nice to see her. ever since she graduated from NYP, i seldom get to see her unlike when she was in school and me met every single day. before i wrote this i went to her blog and our photos was up (thx to my sexy red digi cam! hehe!) and below the photos it says "Cheers to our 7 years of friendship, babe!" its been that long! i feel old already. haha!

my warm sake and her donburi!

cam-whoring in the northpoint basement 2 toilet.

thanks babe!

thank god for sunday

2007-09-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

"why?" you might ask. giler per budak ni. org lain benci sunday pasal besok kerje/skola, si deni lain pulak.

ok i shall explain. are you ready?
sundayisthelastdayoftheweek= lastdayoftheseptemberschoolholiday= tmlismonday= theparentsworkonmonday= icanwakeuplate= parentswontnagatmelazingonamondaymorning

geddit?

oh well. i am goddamn (sorry God.) lazy to go find a part time temp job. i don't mind working but its just that i am too lazy to go place after another for interview. but i don't want to rot at home either. i know this might sound crazy, but right now, i wish i have school tml. funny how i'm rarely in class when there is classes and lectures, and now when i have my long break, i wish i was in school. bodoh nak mamposs!

btw i met up with heejungnoh a couple days back. damn i miss here. wish i could spend the whole day with her coz there is so much to talk about! miss those days when i always meet her to go swimming or just hang out at junction 8. damn. i miss bishan.

did i tell u i love adobe photoshop?
i just downloaded the trial version. and i fell in love with it so badly that i want to buy th program. but its damn ex rite? i am still exploring the program. just wish i knew how to make my complexion perfect, my nose sharper and my cheekbones higher. wakaka. now i know why artist look perfect in magazine. damn!

songket mak kau!

2007-09-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

woohoo! so happy!
sent my third kain to the tailor just now.

finally a kebaya songket. oooh can't wait for raya!
i have 2 baju kurong and one kebaya so far.
still have to get my baju modern. *daddy i want a dress!
alamak budak ni eh puasa belum start dah nak raya *~~bukan aku puasa pun kann~~ =p

after the tailor at albert st (a nostalgic place), we went to northpoint for briyani. well a rainy day is perfect for a hot spicy briyani with chicken masala. yummm! much to my disappointment the masala ayam was not even spicy at all. boring! so i ate very lil of it. went to town to look at kasut for raya (aha!). then rukshana suddenly crave for brownies from brownies factory. i guess we both had a moment of sweet tooth cause we had brownies, the custard puff frm beard papa and mocha and belgian choc ice blended frm coffee bean. and now i'm hyperactive at 11pm at nite with all the high sugar intake and caffeine in my body.

then had a heart2heart talk with her (away frm the parents). seems like gazillion years since we last met, what's more had a proper conversation. guess we both changed in our own ways. more mature and all. cant believe she's already 17! realised that nobody's perfect. i mean teenagers are meant to be teenagers. there will always be a phase in out lives where our curiosity is at the highest peak and we learn by making mistakes. that's way makes us prepare for our adulthood. there are some things i'm doing now which i don't plan to continue till later part of my life. like i say its just a phase. sooner of later i'll get over it... so i just wish the parents just bear with me.

Monday, 3rd september, still jobless. shall go find job tml.
damn i miss my sis.

home alone

2007-09-02T13:40:00.000+08:00

i am telling you that if i have to spend another WHOLE day at home doing nothing, i think i will breakdown and die. or maybe undergo a phase of depression.

damn how much i rely on my social life is freakishly disturbing. i mean not that i have a huge social circle, but i need to go out and socialize with people. which is the reason why i have decided not to choose the R&D track but instead go to the Bioenterprise track. i so cannot imagine myself working in a lab for the rest of my life, doing repetitive and boring experiments/test on some poor mice by injecting it with some microorganism and watch it being infected and die. damn. what a sad profession. and after a long tiring day in your little cubicle in the lab, you go home to an empty house, bathe, have your sterile dinner in front of the tv, wishing that you could be in the shoes of Paris Hilton.
urgh! hell no!
i want to be in the business side of the pharmaceutical industry; meeting clients,marketing newly produced drugs, doing presentation, going overseas for seminars, managing an event or a seminar of hundreds of successful scientist, doctors and businessman and some journalism on some new discovery. ooooh! so exciting. then if i'm tired of my endless travelling, busy schedules, beeping PDAs and mobile phone, then i want to get a teaching post at any education institute and maybe then i will settle down. if there is jodoh for me, then i will get married and have kids.

there! now noone can say i have no plans for my future. this is what i want to do. the only thing to do now is to find out the next step.

well enough about my future, i think its time for me to get a job. partly to past my time cause i ask dad to bring us to KL but well he refuse cause the mother thinks its a waste of money. whatever. and partly cause i need to go out more often. and no money=stay at home=depression. so yea. and also if i stay at home i cannot indulge in the death sticks.

speaking of which, yesterday the mother found my fav pink lighter in my bag. of course i lied. which felt damn bad. i wish i didnt have to but i had no choice. if only they understand...

Dear Mother,
Something I've been wanting to tell you is...
I never intended it to be like this.
The shock on your face making my heart break
The way the disappointment spread across your features makes me ache
Maybe a bit melodramatic but I fell like I'm about to fall
Hit the ground, hurting so bad I couldn't even crawl
As skies change colors I seep in further down
As if the Abyss of my thoughts helps me drown
I'm dieing to hear a single word but you keep your mouth shut
Surprised, well that's a shock
This feels so much like a cut
Stings and burns so deep
It would be so easy to just sleep
My confusion and pain are laced with hurt
Seeing you eye me in away
It's like you have to search
Trying to find out if it's true
Sorry to break it to you
But maybe I might have to fight just to get you to understand
No I wont
I know it takes time before water can wash you up to land

back from heLL

2007-08-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

hey ya!

finally exams are done!!! (no comments! =x)

six weeks (or is it four?) of school holidays are here!

yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

back to my beloved cable tv!
i am so in love with the new sensasi channel.
so many sinetrons to indulge in!
and my ultimate fav: MIMPI MANIS.
though it is truly (almost spell as truely! what do you expect sak? o level eng c5 k!)
very ironic as i cannot stand dangdut music but this movie is solely about the life of an aspired dangdut singer.
oh well you cant help but get addicted to indo sinetrons.
the drama!
the exciting plots!
the moments you feel like punching the mother-in-law frm hell!
and not forgetting, the charming indo actors! i loike!

back to my novels! so many books to read!

i guess there is one more thing i'm missing out.... hmmm...

oh right!
excuse me daddy, can you please give my life back. let me out at night. i promise i'll be good. i will not ~~club, smoke and drink~~. just let me go have fun with my school mates. pretty pleaseeeeeee!

yea right! haizzz.

"Kt Tunstall-Suddenly I See"
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

HARRY me!

2007-08-12T21:44:00.000+08:00

OH MY GAWD! i cannot believe i am watching HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL now and yet AGAIN. this is so childish! urgh! i so need to get my dad to unsuscribe to disney channel... BUT! i cannot live without "the suite life of zack and cody", "totally spies", "that's so raven" and all those disney movies... and the HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2 is coming up! ok stop it sak!

yes ppl (the insignificant number tt u are) i am still alive n i know its been GAZILLION(?) years since i last blog. so sorry. its becoz i have found a BETTER thing to do instead of hogging on the lap top for hours! studying u say (exams coming up!mamposss!!)? erm... nope! actually its regarding a guy... someone i have been spending some "quality" time with... handsome? well not really... he's abit nerdy wit round glasses... wanna know who???

he is.......................................

is...........................................
is...........................

HARRY POTTER! wakakaka.... mak kau! lame sak!

yea well i think i am the last (for those intending to read it) to read "harry potter and the half blood prince" but well it was worth the wait... coz i dun seem to get around to asking ppl to lend me the book. and while other harry potter fans were reading to final book of harry potter, i am slowly reading the 6th book, enjoying every details and every word on the book which i borrowed from fatheha who borrowed frm on of her frenz... and guess watt??? of all the things the world, i beg my dad to get me to DEATHLY HALLOWS book and he bought it for me! woohoo... so rite now at this very moment i am at page 129 of the book. i stopped to go online coz i need to find out wat does (ok i know u harry potter fans gonna kill me for not knowing this...) "squib" means coz it was mentioning tt the late dumbledore's sister is(was?) a squib. padahal i for the past books i know a few squibs and i never bothered to find out wat it is... cibai!

"A Squib is a person of wizarding heritage who lacks magical ability; as Ron Weasley explains, Squibs are, in essence, the opposite of Muggle-born wizards. A Squib is a very rare anomaly; the only known Squibs in the series are the Hogwarts caretaker, Argus Filch; Arabella Figg, a neighbour of the Dursleys; an unnamed cousin of Molly Weasley, who works as an accountant; and Sirius Black's great-uncle, Marius Black (who was erased from the Black family tree). Voldemort's mother, Merope Gaunt, was believed by her father to be a Squib, but Dumbledore speculates that her magical abilities were compromised by the mental abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and brother. Albus Dumbledore's sister, Ariana, was also speculated to be a Squib, however it is revealed in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows that she in fact possessed extraordinary magical abilities, but lost control of them following a brutal physical attack from three Muggle boys at the age of six."

thanks to wikipedia for this very impt fact i missed out! wakaka...

ok i shall take my leave now and go back to the book... damn its the last book den no more liao! tsk! i shall come back wen i have anymore harry potter qns (too embarassed to ask ppl hehe!) or wen i'm done wit the book! ciao!

I'm in a crowd, but yet alone
I'm full of love that's not been shown
I'm waiting for the great unknown
Will true love come my way

I shed a tear, but never cry
I feel my life is passing by
I often think and wonder why
Won't true love come my way

I carry on, but just stand still
I try to climb this endless hill
I know I can't and never will
Till true love comes my way

I ponder, but don't contemplate
I look for love and trust in fate
I pray I hope and still I wait
For true love to come my way

well fad says its peer pressure... well the outing jez now made me feel this way... irah n nel, fiza n afiq, fatt and shafiq... jez wish i have tt special someone to hold my hand... ah diam ah maya!

new look? new colour!

2007-07-23T09:07:00.000+08:00

ok... you guys so need to hold on to something... jez in case you might find my "new look" rather disgusting... wakaka!

ok.
are you ready?

before (damn i miss tt golden hair...):

after:

I AM SO CUTE RITEEE??? KAN KAN KANNN?
laaa... takmo la muntah2! once in a while org puji diri sendiri tak boleh ke? hehehe...

well i am not the only one who have a hair change... fatheha had her hair rebond... which i must say looks very cute on her... i loike!
we went to vivo to have a swensen lunch (on her. thx u babe!) together wit fadilla. and we girls cannot stop cam-whoring! *giggles* here r the photos we took...

the 3 blind ~~mice~~ ladies

vogue kann? =p

wahhh in the toilet also camwhore:

and then there's me perasaan try2 bende kat kedai abih amik gambar...
cekik darah kann? bukannye nak beli ke pe...

woit! perut maintain eh...

eh mcm fiza! wonder woman... pakai "coli" kat luar!

mak ai! macam zorro! more like zero sak!

ok enuf of me... i noe i noe... you dun have to say... but i know so well tt i am so CUTE! wakaka...

*pukepuke*

"I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive-
Until I realized committing suicide was a crime." wakaka! maya giLerrr!

random

2007-07-16T19:04:00.000+08:00

jez some pics of a great time wit fiza in town
-new haircut (trim only la)
-balcony-ing
-purple slipper@heeren (coz my sandals broke)

cam-whoring makes me a happy biatch! fiza babe i love u so much!!! thx for the fotos!

lastly... a retarded foto of me nisa n fiza at raffles place:

*my soul ravaged as your barricade grows...