Clueless

Some times i wonder why i bother socializing. People can be so shallow. Sometimes they really get on my nerves. Furthermore, the more friends you have, the more you have to be aware of what you say and do. You also have to try harder not to offend anyone. So why have a gang of friends when you can have a few good friends.

Like this one guy, i shall call him "ahbeng" cause he look like one, who no doubt is kinda cute. But i swear i have no interest whatever in him. I mean he is 17 and too small and childish for me. I'm just being the same friendly maya to everyone including him. As i did to the SA gang, i added him on msn just to keep in contact. Btw i am a person who would keep the conversation going by probing questions la. i do that to everyone. Well apparently what i did gave this ahbeng a wrong impression. He thinks i'm freaky and told people that I was flirting with him! seriously what is wrong with this guy!!! does "5 questions", too many questions? does "5 questions" prove that i am flirting. i mean the questions i ask were random la. not like "hey r u single?" or "what do u think of me?"! all i asked was... well guess wat? i cant even rmb our conversation coz it was too insignificant! how can someone be so immature, shallow and clueless!!! i mean stop flattering yourself la!!!

apparently also, I was told that when this one person came to the SA, i would hang out with her and abandon my lovable biatch fren. and i don't even realise it la. it was purely unintentional. luckily she's understanding and not petty! that's y i love her to bits!!! luckily she told me, if not i would still be clueless.

I dont know why other's opinion about me bother me so much. i know sometimes people say "it doesnt matter what other think. what matters is being yourself". yeah. i wish i could say it and believe it. but whenever i heard a rumour or someone dissing me or dislike something about me, i get very irritated and bothered and cant stop wondering the reasons and how can i change to be more "likable". at times, i think the only way for me to be truely likable is to be slim, pretty and sexy, and people will not misjudge me. i guess i do crave for other's approval and being accepted is important to me.
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btw today i've met someone who used to mean alot to me. some who i used to love once upon a time. due to unfortunate circumstances, i cant meet her anymore.

i cant chat with her like i used to.
i cant wish her 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' like i used to.
i cant sleep in her room like i used to.
i cant eat her dishes like i used to.
i cant see her smile and cry like i used to.

damn. And today, seeing her eyes filled with tears at the bus stop, breaks my heart. i know very well she misses me. but i did not shed a tear even though my heart is breaking. i wont allow myself to. i wish i can take away her pain. i wish i can bring back smile to her face. i wish things were as they used to be. but i guess God has a plan for all of us.