home alone

i am telling you that if i have to spend another WHOLE day at home doing nothing, i think i will breakdown and die. or maybe undergo a phase of depression.

damn how much i rely on my social life is freakishly disturbing. i mean not that i have a huge social circle, but i need to go out and socialize with people. which is the reason why i have decided not to choose the R&D track but instead go to the Bioenterprise track. i so cannot imagine myself working in a lab for the rest of my life, doing repetitive and boring experiments/test on some poor mice by injecting it with some microorganism and watch it being infected and die. damn. what a sad profession. and after a long tiring day in your little cubicle in the lab, you go home to an empty house, bathe, have your sterile dinner in front of the tv, wishing that you could be in the shoes of Paris Hilton.
urgh! hell no!
i want to be in the business side of the pharmaceutical industry; meeting clients,marketing newly produced drugs, doing presentation, going overseas for seminars, managing an event or a seminar of hundreds of successful scientist, doctors and businessman and some journalism on some new discovery. ooooh! so exciting. then if i'm tired of my endless travelling, busy schedules, beeping PDAs and mobile phone, then i want to get a teaching post at any education institute and maybe then i will settle down. if there is jodoh for me, then i will get married and have kids.

there! now noone can say i have no plans for my future. this is what i want to do. the only thing to do now is to find out the next step.

well enough about my future, i think its time for me to get a job. partly to past my time cause i ask dad to bring us to KL but well he refuse cause the mother thinks its a waste of money. whatever. and partly cause i need to go out more often. and no money=stay at home=depression. so yea. and also if i stay at home i cannot indulge in the death sticks.

speaking of which, yesterday the mother found my fav pink lighter in my bag. of course i lied. which felt damn bad. i wish i didnt have to but i had no choice. if only they understand...

Dear Mother,
Something I've been wanting to tell you is...
I never intended it to be like this.
The shock on your face making my heart break
The way the disappointment spread across your features makes me ache
Maybe a bit melodramatic but I fell like I'm about to fall
Hit the ground, hurting so bad I couldn't even crawl
As skies change colors I seep in further down
As if the Abyss of my thoughts helps me drown
I'm dieing to hear a single word but you keep your mouth shut
Surprised, well that's a shock
This feels so much like a cut
Stings and burns so deep
It would be so easy to just sleep
My confusion and pain are laced with hurt
Seeing you eye me in away
It's like you have to search
Trying to find out if it's true
Sorry to break it to you
But maybe I might have to fight just to get you to understand
No I wont
I know it takes time before water can wash you up to land