Seharusnya aku cerminkan diri ku

sometimes you cannot help falling in love.
all of a sudden you realize that your heart starts to beat faster, your palm gets all clammy and you feel conscious with everything you do in his presence.
but i swear i did not ask for it.
sometimes the cupid can be a bitch for shooting the arrow at the wrong person.
he is not even very good looking.
but its his characteristics and personality.
the words that come from his heart, that's what i fell for.
kerana budi ku jatuh hati, aku tak mengerti ianya terjadi
but i did not act on my feelings. i never did.
i am too self conscious to flirt with him.
instead i approach this situation in a different manner.
i tried to be his friend.
i swear i ask nothing more than just friendship coz i know i'm not his type and i'm not good enough.
i just want to be treated like one of his close girl friends.
but then my steps was wrongly read by him.
he gets uncomfortable.
he gets scared of me.
then he decided to block me.
according to her, this was cerita lama. its just that i found out two days ago.
all this while he knew i "like" him.
"aku tak nak kasi dier harapan" was wat he said.
all this while i was blind.
she told me everything he said to her last night.
blood gushing to my face.
hell i am not blushing.
i am fucking embarassed.
i thought acting "normal" would make this better for us, make us normal friends.
raya outing? we coincidently wore the same colour baju raya. irah's house? i acted normal. but somehow it was different. like there is a barrier. but i did not know why. and i did not though he knew about my feelings.
but now i know.
oh my god. so embarassing. i cannot face him anymore.
now its awkward beyond control.

wanna know what's unfair? i bet if i was normal, if i am not blardy fat, maybe he wouldn't have reacted so harshly towards me. even if he does not have mutual feelings for me, he would just brush it off and just layan me as a friend. but the truth is i am not.

silly silly me.

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man i feel your pain.