numb

this entry is so contradictory to the previous post. i guess life is a contradiction. you just have to live with it.

so much as "i dont give a fuck". coz i do care.
i mean what do you when your loved ones gave you a definite choice?
a decision so hard to make, you just have to give up.
your future? or your loved ones?
is it even a fair choice?

ain i'm sorry for the tears you've shed.
i didnt mean to hurt you.
i didnt mean to disappoint you.
but i guess disappointing others and myself is the only thing i am good at.
thanks for all the care and concern.
thanks for all the support.
now you have me as a reason to fight harder.
i believe you will soon be a BGM and lead your own team.

i have come to a stage in my life that i think tears do no good.
why cry and destroy your make up?
i think i am numb to all sadness.
and that's sad.
but what to do.
that's what life have taught me.
protect myself from emotional downfall.
coz its more painful than all other downfall; physical, academic, etc.
being numb is the only way i can be sane in this world.

all i need now is alot of booze and fags for the numbness to kick in.