lesson learned

I hope today might be the day.

A day where all my mortal encumbrances which plague my mind
have finally start to fade away.
I feel huge sense of relieve.
One I have never felt for such a long time.

First and foremost, I would like to thank Allah for creating mothers.
For blessing me with one who loves me unconditionally.
One who never gives up hope on me.
One who willing to sacrifice anything for me.
One who listens to my troubles and never judge for a second.
One who never make me feel unwanted and un-belonged.
One who constantly be on my side even tho the blame is on me.
Despite her constant irritating habit of keeping everything neat and tidy,
despite her being a busybody about my life,
despite her never-ending nagging about everything I do or not do at home,
I LOVE IBU very much.
she is my SUPERWOMAN.

I would like to thank Allah for creating fathers.
For blessing me with one who loves me and wants me to be the best I can be.
One who always supports me.
One who provides for me as much as he can afford.
One who believes I am better than everybody else.
One who never make me feel at lost and jealous due to someone else's new things.
One who always makes me feel safe.
One who constantly remind me of Allah.
One who disciplines me.
Despite his endless suspicions of me,
despite his lack of trust in me,
despite of him not giving me the freedom I deserve,
despite of the way he disciplines me,
despite of all the harsh words he use on me,
despite he not putting very high hopes on me afraid that he might get disappointed,
despite all the fights and arguments that you always win,
despite of endless negativities that I might feel towards you for whatever reasons,
I really do love ABAH.

Tonight I had a long all-hearts-out conversation with the mom.
About some of the feelings and secrets I have been keeping in me.
Told her how I felt about her siblings and relatives.
about me still in contact with my stepsister,
about some very personal family problems,
about my school problems.
and she she listens and advice and support.
never judge or scold me.

I told her about school.
about how I have been failing modules for the past years.
I told her that I might not be graduating soon as I have extra 2 semesters to repeat my modules.
I told he about the times I skipped school and not submit my reports.
I told her about the counseling sessions I had with my lecturers and the director of life science.
I told her that they say I am smart and can study, but I am lazy.
I told her that I regretted every minute of it, and wished that I could undo it all.
I told her I was badly affected that my uncle look down on me coz my GPA was low.
I told her that I kept all this away from the parents coz I was afraid that dad will make me quit school, but I still want to study.
I know she was disappointed but she didn't show it.
She does seems a bit sad though.

She told dad, and surprisingly he supports my decision to continue studying.
even though he never told me, mom told me that he actually still hopes for me to go into university overseas and even migrate there.



I thank God for somehow clearing my mind and my heart.
I hope that this is the moment which I finally realise what I am suppose to do.
I pray that I will be a better person.
Not only for my family,
but for myself.