feel death

This is bad. I am having a horrible week. I realize that all these while, me not updating my blog, I am actually relatively happy. And only now, I want to blog coz I want to pour out nonsensical emotions that no one will understand.

anyway I bump into jeslyn (sports and wellness)while walking to school today. and for that 3 mins walk to school, we both reminisce our early poly years and the sheltered walkway which was once the legendary SMOKING ALLEY. Those were the days. My first year in school, I was filled with excitement and good energy which were very contagious to my other friends. I would walk along the corridor to morning lectures, tutorials or practicals, with my head held high, my eyes jumping from faces to faces, checking out hot boys and girls. I would pass familiar faces and give them a wide smile, a loud 'HI!' or some kind of signature handshakes. I was filled with zest.
Now, I walked through the corridor like a zombie. Unfocused faces pass by me unnoticed as I hurried to my FYP lab. If it's not gonna attract more attention, I would have worn a mask to school. I feel... old. The new batches of freshmen are barely 17 and I'm turning 22. damn. I feel ancient. Even if there is a hot guy who walked pass me, I would not even give him a second look. coz if i did, I feel like a pedophile.

Anyway, you know the feeling when you were looking at something or someone and your mind suddenly wonders to things or situation which are completely random and irrelevant to what you were initially thinking? well...
I was smoking at the bridge near block P today. A lot of students and staffs were walking to school. Among the crowd of people walking in, a face of a guy caught my eyes. He look, life-less. His face was white as ghost and his lips were unusually pale. At that moment, another familiar face came across my mind. He was a senior at my secondary school. A mix japanese-chinese guy who loves to play basketball. Back then I always wondered why he look so pale and yet still can play basketball as if he's not sick at all. I only knew of his real condition when I got the news that he passed away, 2 years ago, due to leukemia which he suffered since birth. And suddenly my mind start to imagine how I would feel if I would die today. I felt totally calm! surprising I am not afraid of death. the fact that I am not afraid of death scares me coz any normal twenty year olds would be afraid esp if there are a million and one things I have yet to do before I die. This calmness only lasted for five minutes before I was terrified by a dead cockroach at the side of the bridge. IMAGINE THAT! I have fear for a small DEAD cockroach and I am not afraid of death. hmmmm.... honestly I dunno what's the point of this whole thing. I need to tame my mind to think of only relevant useful stuffs.

right now at this very moment i would feel better if i have lots of cash, a holiday trip and a shopping spree.